why u have gone do that to me
im the one who gave every thing u want
now u treated me like u savin a dalla like albersons
sometimes i just dont see to remember u no more
like u tore me heart apart
when i thought id got u to have a kiss
but u told me i had to be dissmissed
ever since u left me
i could finally see now
when im not with u my memory wit me and u
is all fuzzy and like it just fade away

reminds me of this blues song by ray charles, but its good , i think you should write a lil more , keep expand'n on that , cuz when iw as readin it i thought u could get more words and what not from it but its a tyte drop i liked it

keep em com'n check out my shit


peace

ay thx for the props and all and ill keep in mind of that

__________________

hmm... there's a lot of room to grow here... i see ya had a little heartache... go more in depth with it.... use more words to describe ya emotions... structure ya sentences better... it should read like a painting; telling us visually what's going on as well as by ear... with some practice you will be a better writer... it takes time... don't rush ya drops... it ain't a battle... do what ya gotta do to get every point that you wanna get across to the reader out there... if ya gotta change a line then do that... do not settle for second best... go all out....one

ay thx hella much now i now wht ya talkin bout so ill try to think of but should i do one for a suspence one??>>>....................

__________________

Ill-Grammatix ay theres an openin just for u in ABB (All Bout dem Benjamens) so u in?...

__________________

uppin

__________________

this was wack

it was to short,choppy lines,u were going off topic,this wasnt a great poem...
the only thing that was good was the title of the poem lol

i suggest you read other vets poems

thanx

__________________