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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
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08-22-05, 12:17 AM
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#1
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Bangs like bikini attol
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Want a lyricism break down?
IP:
Post one of your best verses and I'll tell you what I think about it and how you could improve your shit..
NO TEXT BATTLES... Just song lyrics.. And I'm warning you, I'll prolly get bored of this within about half an hour.. |
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08-22-05, 12:19 AM
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#2
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Real Nigga, nigga.
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IP:
Go to front lines nigga
__________________
. .....Get Soulclapped, E-Style..... t |
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08-22-05, 12:19 AM
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#3
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Coming to Kill you All
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IP:
Topic was when evil meets good
EVIL evily prevails wit so many names,is it dick,schmuck,cock or penis? but it's all the same,cuz it neva hestitates to stop and beat us when it prances out as if it had feet to attack us like a leech n perpetually scars you vicously by cocksmacking you on your cheek while it may be the key to life,it deserves concern as it's a demon in turn firing and blasting shots rapidly with bullets they call semen or sperm GOOD one force that renders futile to stop the evil mister with the whip which is sometimes also referred to proudly as the sister of the lip milks the dick givin pleasure in order to function as the passageway of life n contrary to it's evil counterpart,it's able to masterbate without fight never bombs the table cuz it remains calm and stable with no bite knowing the fact dat it's like a puppy rolling on it's back, it neva stikes WHEN EVIL MEETS GOOD commences when they get the protection n evil gives the wood an erection n the process itself is a connection descibed by evil givin good an injection evil either gets blowed,pumps on top,or lets good be a bull and she rides conclusion of this act capped off when evil's milked n shoots bullets inside then the excruiating torment comes when 10 pounds comes out this tiny hole while evil neglects it and just searches for some hoe to swing off it's giant pole |
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08-22-05, 12:36 AM
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#4
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Bangs like bikini attol
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IP:
Quote:
Ok first thing that comes to mind is that this is way too stretched in most places and isnt flowing well. I can see youve tried to rhyme more than one word at the end of each line, but your doing it sometimes at the expense of what your trying to get accross in the way your wording shit. You need to be a lot more direct and make your multi syllable rhyming more clean. In its currant state I very highly doubt this is a verse that would sound good being rapped to a beat, you would need to frikken be bone thugs or tonedeff if you wanted to pull off that many syllables. Your style is very textee-ish and I think that youll learn better flow once you start realising your gonna have to actually write & rap your verses to a beat and make it good enough for people to enjoy listening to. I think taking your stuff audio will be a big step forward for you as a writer. You should also stop using the dumb topical battle topics or atleast mold it into a concept that would sound good as a song. You prolly got potential, just need to unlock it. So start writing lines that are smaller and more to the point, and work on making your rhyme scheme sound more developed with cleaner multi syllable rhyming. Listen to some old eminem stuff (slim shady LP & marshal mathers LP) and try to emulate a comical style kind of like that because I think thats probably the way your mind is geared lyrically judging by your verse written above. In closing, you need a lot of work.. But being dope will be achievable to you as long as you work your ass off and elevate to an impressive level. |
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08-22-05, 12:48 AM
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#5
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Tha 1st member of S.W.A
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IP:
2nd verse frum my song "Tha Koolest Guy Around" str8 G shit on a mafuckin gangsta lean
 1988, tha docter shouldve KILLED THA FETUS
but he didnt so here i am wif 9MM's buck! buck! now ya blud iz gonna SPILL IN LETERS and i hope it duzznt splatter on my ILL ADIDAS i go aratatatat unTILL MY HEATERS run all outta bullets. cuz i FILL YA BEATERS full of holes. now ima DROP sum SIENCE ya neva gunna hear me sayin STOP tha VIOLENCE cuz wen i shoot a stupid muthaphukkin PIG BLOOD'LL come out of hiz hed, and make a BIG PUDDLE how many muthaphukkin guns i OWN IZ IRRELEVENT street smart, in skool im not KNOWN FO INTELLIGENTS and if ya really piss me off, im GON GIT A ELEPHANT n make him walk on u n break all of tha BONES IN YA SKELETON see, anythang can b a weapon, even a BROKEN CUP slit yo throat wit tha glass n then im LOCIN UP muthaphukkin werd
__________________
R.I.P. EAZY-E  MoBB Squad
 REST IN PEACE MY MUTHAPHUKKIN SPICCA OMB!!!
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08-22-05, 12:20 AM
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#6
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FuxJustAWord
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IP:
I put peas on my head but dont call me a pea head
I put bees on my head but dont call me a bee head etc This is my show im Fux is Just A Word This is my show Im Smux is must a sword THis is my show im Fux is Just A Word ..........almost too illy i must say |
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08-22-05, 12:20 AM
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#7
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GG Haterz
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IP:
Me, Myself, or I? Me? Oh I'm just your average kid living life to the fullest, With my family of 3 brothers and 3 sisters, I am the 2nd youngest. My windows are closed and my closet is just neat as can be, I thought that I lived and breathed in the land of the free? My clothes are too big and my bed is falling to the floor, My dog is my alarm clock and beads are my door. War is nothing but old news since fighting between forces is normal, I just stay in my room and look into magazines full of models. My brother waddles into my room, I scream and tell him to leave, I throw something at him but he just continues being naive. I wear low cut shirts and short shorts to blend in with my crowd, I don't listen to the music, I just like to dance and for it to be loud. I hate being here, I wish that I could just go fly out my window, But everyday I just sit here, looking at the same American Express symbol. I am myself, I won't and don't bend to a crowd of strangers, I wear polka dot pants, Yankees shirt, and a hat for the Rangers. It don't mean a thing if it don't got that swing, Diiirty pop, this must be pop. I love Backstreet Boys and Nsync. I listen to people talk about bling and remember the times where nothing mattered, There wasn't "flirting" just saying compliments and saying "I'm flattered". People stare and I act like I don't care, but I do deep inside my chest, What's left of that fire that once burned and gave me a breath. Tattered clothes are fine, I'll wear them if I'm comfortable, I use words like fiddlesticks, vibe, cats, gats, and shizzle. I stay hip the lingo, but I still enjoy my game of bingo, Oh if only people said how the felt maybe the world would be easier to live in, Instead of being stared as if I took back something I had given. I give a little take a little, you push me and I'll push back, I'll listen to your country if you will listen to something I can rap. Backpacks are ok if you are 12 years old and trying to look cool, School is only for those who don't want to end up looking like fools. I live for the moment, that will define my home in Somewhere out where a great city and Rome has been. When something amazing happens in an instant, I act like I missed it and keep on life as I was living it. Sometimes I wish that I could, just go home and cry out, I WANT SOMETHING MORE! But I am not one to shout. I take no risks and my life is kinda boring but I keep on going, Showing people how safe I am and that I can be giving. Living in this world, isn't always for me, Wish they had mentioned love and life, but no one cared to warn me. What do these people have in common? They are all something in you, You do what people say sometimes and sometimes feel like saying fuck you too. There are times people want to be different or want to be safe in their bubble, Rubble all around them, and wish to sing a praise when there's trouble. The key to success is balance, and how to avoid needing to lie, Not making the personalities separate, I mean why.... Do we need to act to please people when really we all try, To live this lie and deny, that in everyone exists a Me, Myself, and I.
__________________
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For Anyone Who Wants to Talk to Me  ^^I think this explains my view on gangster rap perfectly. |
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08-22-05, 12:58 AM
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#8
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Bangs like bikini attol
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IP:
Quote:
Big problem from the very start, the way you have worded a lot of your lines is very simple and almost as if your writing a childrens story with rhymes. This is your main problem.. I think that you have probably been doing a lot of internet topical battles, which is making your writing techniques for raps fall off big time.. I noticed your flow gets choppy aswell at some points and needs to develop more before youll be able to make good sounding rap tracks. Same thing as the dude before you with the rhymes, a lot of your stuff uses very simple and small doses of multi syllable rhyming and wouldnt really compete if you were compared to someone who can put together really good strings of multis. If this is some of the best stuff your style is producing at the moment, I think youll need to elevate before you can step up and make music that will have any hope of selling. You have a hard style to critique lyrically because like the dude before you these are topical battle verses and dont really compare to the content of a song.... What you need to work on though, is making your lyrics sound more mature and better developed.. You need to get a good sense of rhythem and work with better matched syllable counts or timing in your lines.. Thats something rapping and writing to a beat more often will help you with 10 fold.. In closing.. You probably have potential aswell, but you just seem to have the wrong idea of how to make an entertaining or properly thought provoking peice at the moment. Which is basically being held back by the way you approach subjects in this story type manor.. You also told the reader what cloathes you were wearing a few too many times like that really effected your story.. |
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08-22-05, 12:20 AM
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#9
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Bangs like bikini attol
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IP:
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I seriously havnt clicked on that forum in atleast 4 months.. |
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08-22-05, 12:21 AM
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#10
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Real Nigga, nigga.
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IP:
Look at what can happen in a minute. ROFl
__________________
. .....Get Soulclapped, E-Style..... t |
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08-22-05, 12:30 AM
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#11
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IP:
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pag...m?bandID=208058
word yo..listen to "the Sharks"..somethin i put up there and re-recorded..=D
__________________
 [.Diabolic:.] |
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08-22-05, 01:22 AM
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#12
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Bangs like bikini attol
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IP:
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I've said in the past I like your shit.. You got a style that can and will sell as long as you put your mind to it and make sure you promote ya image right and make yourself an interesting enough person to create hype around your raps that out-classes other rappers with your skill level. Cause although you have a nice style on the mic, there are a lot of rappers out there that are as good as you and on the same type of lyrics as you. Thats why its going to be harder for you to get past their level which is basically a large majority in the rap industry. How you play your cards in business, marketing & promotion will be the decider and basically make you or break you. But even if your stuff doesent catch on to big time, youll always be able to hold a good respected place in the underground scene provided you stick with rap and be serious about it as a career choice. Lyrically your pretty well developed, I aint heard many lines from you that I would think are out of place or on some weird different shit.. You dont go overboard with the multi syllable rhyming or anything, but your delivery is something that doesent need all that to do the job.. You got a good recording voice.. But like I said, always plan your moves and keep elevating.. But your currantly at the level where you should be doing heavy promotion in your local area and starting up a fan base that you can fall back on while your planning your next stage of attack. Keep it real.. |
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08-22-05, 12:31 AM
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#13
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Ike
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IP:
well...
if you wanna actually listen to the songs..instead of reading it would be appreciated... www.soundclick.com/youngike Outside Lookin In....and Jasons Lyric......but if u only wanna read...no big deal...i wont cry
__________________
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08-22-05, 01:42 AM
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#14
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Bangs like bikini attol
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IP:
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First impression, you sound young on the mic. You can pull off your flow to an extent but so many rappers are on that skill level and above so it just doesent add anything origional or new to rap other than whats already out there. Lyrics were actually a decent story track on the top one that I'm listening to. But you need to up your game on hooks big time.. If your 19, you need to stop sounding like a 16 year old on tape.. Dont do those angry parts of your lyrics as much where you almost try to growl the words aswell, cause it dont sound that good with your voice.. Lyrically you seem to be able to hold your own but you arnt making anything spectacular and your flow isnt working to cover up your problems on the lyrical side either.. I am willing to bet you listen to a lot of eminem and some wutang.. Try to scrap your currant style of delivery a bit and change it to something that sounds more professional and less underground young internet rapper.. Also dont talk at the end of a track unless you got something really smart and profound to say, its a bad idea to say "a lot of people wont get this concept, its like I'm telling the story of this man, blah blah blah then it ends up being my story blah blah blah you may think I'm weird for writing this blah blah" That adds nothing lyrically or musically to your track and will make people go .........wtf....... Also man.. You sometimes sort of have some lines that sound weird or wrong.. Like when you said "he got raped by inmates and prison guards too"... Which is just .....stupid since prison guards can go get pussy why would they want to rape a man.. Not to mention its a pretty gay thing to talk about on a track.. In closing, you got problems you need to address before you start trying to make any moves in rap as a career but your best to make it quick elevation if your already 19, being young dont last forever. |
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08-22-05, 12:47 AM
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#15
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Peace, Love, Unity
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IP:
Try and apply this sunshine but July is cloudy,
Though I stay flying as high as the skies allow me, Liking the vibe, showing how much heart does it take, To catch a glimpse of Elysium and a sparkling lake, Marketing this? Nah... I'm just harnessing fate, My writing arm doesn't break when i'm arcing my fist, Dreams chasing me, when my presence starts to exsist, Just an untold story of the shark and the fish, Fate lyes in the hands of only those who grasp it, Passion burning like a phoenix, I rose from ashes, Rocking the landscape as soon as the boulder crashes, Lose the flame? I'm everlasting when i'm holdin matches, A mosaic? Nah, my lyrics are in appropriate places, Its nature to me, spanning from the coast to the acres, Potions with vapors, floating up, misting, beleive, An ocean of haters, and were just the little fish in the sea... Just grabbed a random verse.
__________________
 88 miles per hour should do it. |
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