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08-12-03, 03:22 PM | #1 | |
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An Episode In Life Dying
IP:
plug it in...open my eyes and close them to the sight-
stimulate my mind- illuminate my blind .... side on cable via satellite- in the background the news is happening hear them fight? "mother why you crying?it hurts when you hold me so tight-" i tune in the volume-while she popped the valumes- to settle for a fictious life consumed-THIS IS MY ROOM- "MAMI WHY DOES DADDY'S NOSE HAVE RESIDUE-" PAPI was WWE- mami the LIFETIME while i was ABC- im eye witness news- ..............................reporting DAVID BROKAV............... perceiving the believen bleeding through-first person view- you were to beautiful to be misused- i was to young to be confused- OPRAH and MONTELL taught me what it ment to be abused- but it came miscunscued- maybe it was in my traits- to constantly burst into tears when i saw drama flicks cause i could relate- could it be because i was 8- but beat with a mans hate in a boys fate- "if this is how you love me then does that mean mami version is fake?" and i indured this for atleast 5 years- so before he awoke id watch the weather channel to see if they could predict my tears- .....................TIME FOR SCHOOL................ stop bleeding- daddys sorry remember your lunch and be happy atleast it wasnt RODNEY KINGS' beating- SUNDAY MORNING lets watch the gospel on B.E.T as church- but there is no way GOD can love me when it doesnt hurt- all i know i owe to the one who taught me the lesson- but i always had the square box as a blesson- tune~ in ~with~ me- to MARRIED WITH CHILDREN, THE SIMPSONS, or REAL LIFE TV- but sadly just like my life each episode is either a rerun or cancelled eventually- who's daddys lil boy? who's daddys lil toy- who's fathers punching bag when tyson lost and he was anoyed- whe grew up in a void- who was 10 at this stage the only man in his home and unemployed- dont sit close to the magic box son you might go blind- but i already have this is my best friend and to the outside world i pay no mind - there's to much violence on television-but thers more i invision- so this is my life and i know i will take it away-one day-and that day-is when the cable bill isnt paid-let me just reast in peace the bed has already been maDE- Last edited by WORD~PERFECT : 08-12-03 at 04:09 PM. |
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08-12-03, 03:34 PM | #2 | |
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IP:
This is a cool piece....
It has elements of poetry within itself.... Im not sure as to how to rate text, but I think this piece is nice.... Uppin for better feedback for ya dogg.... |
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08-12-03, 03:52 PM | #3 | ||
BANNED
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IP:
Yeah, not a bad piece, hook was a bit of a let down 'illuminate my blind' just dosent work, try re-wording it a little. . concept was original actually, ive never seen it done before, flow was a little sketchy all the way through w/ the bar lengths keep changing, that sdtretched it in my opinion but the content was there, and it wasnt half-bad. It seemed to pick up a lot nearer the end of the piece and the repetion in the beginning of the sentences seemed to build up your emotion, not a bad piece my man, but just a little tip - drop the whole "Time For School" and stuff headers, they distract the reader from the piece a little.
All in all a decent drop though, made for a nice read in my opinion. Reply to my piece: ! |
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08-12-03, 04:05 PM | #4 | |
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IP:
illuminate my blind
means bring light into darkness the songs headers are adlibs but thank you for replying |
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08-12-03, 10:50 PM | #5 | |
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IP:
UP
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