Im going to the store with a food stamp//
I was hungry so i stole it off a tramp//
All of a sudden these guys pulled up in a blue van//
Two of them ran up an knock me out with a choke slam//
I cralled around untill i found a huge branch//
It K.O.'d the first dude an it smashed when it hit-him//
The otherone wit-him turned to run an i went for his neck an slit-him//
He came back wit like 10 other guy's shoutin get-him//
At first just they just stood there sweatin//
The second came an i pinned-him, lit-him an took a shit on him//
The others ran screaming "fuck the devils in-him"//
Then i woke up swingin in the middle of the kitchen//

yo uppin fo comments.......

Ehhhh. .
i wasnt feeling this piece a whole lot, vocab was basic, storytelling wasnt that good, you really need some sort of flow and not just basic one-syllable rhyming words, multi's and internals would spice this up waaaaaay more, try to get your lines an equal length syllable wise for flow, and ditch the // at the end of your lines because their just wack.
also:

^There is no way on earth those two lines rhyme.
I see what you've meant to do, but yeah, you'll get better with practice so just keep writing and looking to improve, take this as Constructive Critisism - dont hate against me for saying i didnt like it, im just trying to help you by telling you where to improve.

Pz.

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W o r d P e r f e c t

tanx man..
just started rapin..

uppin fo comments

camarac shut up, idiot, this piece made me laugh all the way through, bust it out to the biggie n tupac madison square garden beat an it sounds madd funny but ill, may-b cuz i am high as a mo-fukka but there.........

this peice was alright, your flow was pretty good, it could use some work, your vocab was ok could be up'd a little bit, but overall it was a alright peice, keep dropping.

tnx fo the feedbk... aprrieated.... yo read my otha tell me if i improved.......