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09-28-03, 10:11 PM | #1 | |
Banned
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~The Unseen~
IP:
This is a little something I dreamed up while reflecting on society. Not my best, but my first drop here so give me some feedback.
We are the unseen, the unloved, the unknown/ Unrecognized, unknowing, lost in shadow, alone/ We are the stillborn, unbreathing and unamed/ Unfeeling at birth, unliving, quick death, unmarked grave/ We are the unseen, the unloved, the unknown/ Unrecognized, unknowing, lost in shadow, alone/ We are the unsensing, the mute deaf and blind/ Unspeaking, unhearing, unseeing, unsurely locked in out own minds/ Repeat Chorus We are the third-world children, uneating, unhealthy/ Unshown to oblivious worlds, unhealing, unwealthy/ Repeat Chorus We are the homeless, unmoving, unnoticed, unhelped/ Uncomforted, unacknowledged, unnoticed, unwell Repeat Chorus We are the day laborers, unrested, underpayed/ Overworked, yet unrespected, uninusured and disarrayed/ Repeat Chorus We are their lonely children, unwatched and unfed/ Left to unsepervised lives, untaught, unhelped, unchecked, unled/ Repeat Chorus Who will you be? You undirty, uncaring, unperturbed?/ Will you search and help until all the unseen are unearthed?/ |
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09-29-03, 06:22 PM | #2 | |
Banned
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IP:
Faukin sleepers
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09-29-03, 08:23 PM | #3 | ||
Banned for being stupid
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IP:
aight homie, first ima say u need more space for rhymes, and less for the chorus, i thought it was kinda weird that u kept repeatin the chorus after every bar. but anywho, i thought the wordplay was ok, it could still use some elevation, but the vocab was pretty good, it flowed ok, and overall it wasnt bad for a newb, so keep at it, keep postin, and ull get better.
yo if u have the time can u hit up my latest post? http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=82558 thanx peace..... |
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09-29-03, 09:19 PM | #4 | ||
Word.
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IP:
this was a alright peice, it was a alright read too, yeah i agreed it was kinda weird repeating the chorus like that, you had good flow though, and your vocab was good, it was a good peice overall, keep dropping.
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