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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
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10-01-03, 11:19 PM
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#1
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Guest
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Eyes
IP:
Wrote this on the bus today... they pretty girl was sitting behind me and had the dopest eyes i have ever seen... so i wrote this.... and got her number lol but yeah its kinda a poem... any feedback???
Blue green brown, hazel and teal It doesnt matter what the color, you can still see how they feel Eyes are like emotion, and theres no way for that to change You can see them up close, while they see across the range You can see when they're happy, you can see when they're mad You can see they're reaction, when something is scantally clad You can look into them, and get all the answers you need Or look in them and get lost, and never again be seen Eyes are always open, even when closed The same way you can see a body, even when *clothed* You can see when you're loathed, or when you are loved They can push you way harder, than if you were shoved But they dont touch, all they can do is see They can be in total rage, but when asleep look peace-fully If you lose an eye, you don't loose the ability to feel But you do loose the ability, to tell the difference of whats real You can see the direction of a gaze, but not what it's directed at They can be looking at a room, but be focused on a cat Eyes interprite everything, sight is the most important of senses Because with hands you can feel a fence, but not know where the fence is And the world is made of fences, but not all are literally there Because a fence can be many things, a wall, a goal, or something that makes you scared Last edited by Mental God : 10-01-03 at 11:49 PM. |
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10-01-03, 11:40 PM
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#2
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Guest
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IP:
original concept...honestly, some lines were blah...some were good...
it seems that you relate everyday situations in life in your open mics...which is nice. continue to do so... work on your metaphors hoe. p.s. i freepost better. |
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10-01-03, 11:41 PM
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#3
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Guest
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IP:
^hoe.
what now |
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10-01-03, 11:44 PM
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#4
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Light Weight
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IP:
hmmm... well i cetainly felt flow coming through...
Nice to see something written that is both coherent and "meaningful"... too many whack mc's in these forums trying to show off their dictionary's skills... not sure i felt the couplet that ended with "closed" twice.... this could use some tweaking and it will up by itself... {Peace}
__________________
~ t h e r h y m e p a p e r ~
Quote:
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10-01-03, 11:45 PM
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#5
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Middle Weight
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IP:
Pretty nice flow man. I like it. 8 outta 10. Keep droppin shit like this. I hope to see more.
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10-01-03, 11:50 PM
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#6
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Guest
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IP:
Quote:
it was supposed to say "clothed" my bad.... does that make more sense??? |
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10-01-03, 11:52 PM
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#7
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Word.
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IP:
Yeah this was a pretty good piece i thought, it was a alright read, it flowed pretty well through out the piece, your vocab was good, and your content was good too, overall it was a good piece, keep dropping.
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10-02-03, 01:12 AM
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#8
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Guest
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IP:
^^^thx... uppin for some more feedback
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10-02-03, 02:43 AM
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#9
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Fuck You, I Rhyme Better
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IP:
^^yea what they said
i think the flow was on point..but im weird the topic was done well, good that you stayed on it good drop in every aspect if you would be so kind http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=83050 |
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10-02-03, 03:03 AM
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#10
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Guest
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IP:
^^^weakest feedback ever
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