These same four walls i see
Trapped within but noone sees
Im tired of hate runnin into me
You want my love it is not free

I stand alone in the dark i fear
I feel as if the demin is so damn near
Through the eyes of darkness i brake and stear
but in to the glowing night i see and nuthing i hear

A dream of death more then a nightmare
i kill the pain of drugs by takin it in
this bug infests me takes my life
As its controls me does wat it likes

this was pretty much one of my first poems i did

i jus wanted to get some feed back on how i could elevate more

if you could plz point out some weekness and helop me out

thanx peace

well the rhyme scheme was basic but it didn't have to rhyme

i think u shoulda expressed more of what u were feeling than

trynin to rhyme. thats the way it seemed to me.

use better vocab maybe. good flow and structure though.

keep postin up man............................................... ..

thanx your honest feedback much appreciated

uuppiinn for some more


peace

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you should have made it not rhyme so you could do more then syllable rhyming

Quite simplistic. Both in structure and overall wording. Though still bringing a personal depth. Of emotions and meaning.

If one was to build upon this. I think they'd have to elaborate on certain things further. Explore and ask the question 'why' whilst writing a bit more. And try not to think of rhyming too much. Which i can see you at times tried not to do.

...resp...

it was straight but it rhymed alot

I agree, Ithink you should have expressed more how you feel, and the structure was perhaps too simple. It still had great meaning though.