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Old 12-08-03, 12:06 AM   #1
TRIBAL
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untitled

IP:

These same four walls i see
Trapped within but noone sees
Im tired of hate runnin into me
You want my love it is not free

I stand alone in the dark i fear
I feel as if the demin is so damn near
Through the eyes of darkness i brake and stear
but in to the glowing night i see and nuthing i hear

A dream of death more then a nightmare
i kill the pain of drugs by takin it in
this bug infests me takes my life
As its controls me does wat it likes
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Old 12-08-03, 12:09 AM   #2
TRIBAL
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this was pretty much one of my first poems i did

i jus wanted to get some feed back on how i could elevate more

if you could plz point out some weekness and helop me out

thanx peace
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Old 12-08-03, 02:38 PM   #3
-->FreeBasE<--
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well the rhyme scheme was basic but it didn't have to rhyme

i think u shoulda expressed more of what u were feeling than

trynin to rhyme. thats the way it seemed to me.

use better vocab maybe. good flow and structure though.

keep postin up man............................................... ..
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Old 12-09-03, 12:53 AM   #4
TRIBAL
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thanx your honest feedback much appreciated

uuppiinn for some more


peace

//////\\\\\\\\
\\\\\\\''''''''''''''
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Old 12-14-03, 01:46 PM   #5
Gunna XL
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you should have made it not rhyme so you could do more then syllable rhyming
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Old 12-14-03, 04:59 PM   #6
varentao
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Quite simplistic. Both in structure and overall wording. Though still bringing a personal depth. Of emotions and meaning.

If one was to build upon this. I think they'd have to elaborate on certain things further. Explore and ask the question 'why' whilst writing a bit more. And try not to think of rhyming too much. Which i can see you at times tried not to do.

...resp...
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Old 12-16-03, 12:40 PM   #7
HotRod
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it was straight but it rhymed alot
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Old 12-16-03, 04:38 PM   #8
bellapoetsade'
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I agree, Ithink you should have expressed more how you feel, and the structure was perhaps too simple. It still had great meaning though.
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