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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
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12-15-03, 04:25 PM
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#1
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The Battle Within (Concience)
IP:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...0428#post990428
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...0441#post990441 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...0454#post990454 (10 rapid gunshots) (Ambulance Sirens wailing in the distance) Doctor: He has suffered five gunshot wounds. Two to the stomach, on in the right lung, and another in his left bicep. he died twice on the way but luckily we were able to bring him back. Unfortunately, the puncture wound to his lung has slimmed his chance of survival. I'm very sorry three weeks later.... Manet: hey baby, how you doin? Withersman: I'm doin good. The Renegade: Yo Mike, you aint gonna like this Withersman: Why whats up? The Renegade: It's about Kayno, Kayno was involved in your shootin man. Manet: Oh my God. Withersman: WHAT THE FUCK MAN! ARE YOU SERIOUS? The Renegade: yea, homeboy runnin his mouth to the Sol-leks. Apparently, this muthafucka grudgin with you. Withersman: is that right. Well then, there's gonna be a homicide tonight. (Later that evening) Kayno: Iight mayn, I'll see you later (car pulls up next to Kayno) Kayno: What the--- Withersman: Yo Kayno (gun click) Kayno: Oh shit....... Blue= Good Black= Evil First off, dont kill this man, he aint worth shit// the Sol-leks are mad at him, man, he's gonna get hit// YO, I think you should go on and blaze this nigga// come on, just supply a little wieght on the trigga// Hey man, I understand the red that's in your eyes// but think about how most of your homies lost their lives// Fuck that shit, homeboy tried to kill your ass// forget that goody over there, you pussy if you dont blast his ass// Dawg, revenge aint worth it, you live on the streets// what goes around comes around, he'll end up in some heat// LOOK AT HIM! this mutha fucka is smilin at you// its becuz you're stallin bitch, don't make this fool laugh at you// Wait man, that Hellspawn in you needs to calm down// I understand, but you're doin good in your life now// man, you're already goin to hell, you dont give a fuck// you have never let a mutha fucka push his luck// GO ON AND KILL THE MAN!!!  Ah man, why you stallin remember you're an OUTLAW// everybody knows you dont give a fuck about the law// But think about how you're girl will react to the situation// She so in love with you she may die from the uncivilization// Please, nobody cares if you live or die// and stop askin God for forgiveness, your ass isn't gonna fly// But what you can do is make this nigga fly// from what we all know he's a snitchin kind of guy// Think about your brother, he's only nine years old// he looks up to you, you dont want him to turn out cold// Coldness and killin, thats all you are// KILL THIS MAN HIS LIFE ISNT GOIN TO FAR!!// Mike I see you pullin it back, you better quit it// it'll just make thing worse, people will know who did it// You lettin him go? let those shells hit the ground// It'll be all over the snitch wont make a sound// Please Mike, think about your life and whats right// you dont need another felon you already have two strikes// You're takin too long, this nigga aint gettin the clue// Make the correct decision I'll leave it up to you// Last edited by Withersman : 12-15-03 at 08:35 PM. |
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12-15-03, 08:09 PM
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#2
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IP:
uppin
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12-16-03, 03:29 PM
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#3
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IP:
UPPIN WHY THE FUCK YALL SLEEPIN!!!
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12-16-03, 03:34 PM
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#4
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Guest
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IP:
i liked it ithought it was a good fuckin idea.kinda like em and dre.good flow and ok wordplay.it was very creative.well done keep it up............
do me a favour and vote on this,it needs to be ended............. http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=97818 |
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12-16-03, 04:32 PM
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#5
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Banned: Spamming
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Re: The Battle Within (Concience)
IP:
Quote:
^ Do NOT do this man. Seriously. If your telling a story, tell it as a story. Feel what im saying? If you need to lay down a background for the plot, work it into the piece, that's what story telling is about, you don't tell most of the story like that before even getting into the verse! Lmao .. Quote:
Again, seriously now, DO NOT do this when writing a story telling piece. If your gonna write a story telling piece, you have to actually Write a story telling piece, don't tell it through a conversation, doing that takes like .. 00.1 of your skill as a writer. Blue= Good Black= Evil ^ Should really of put that at the beginning of the verse, dont break it up to do that. First off, dont kill this man, he aint worth shit// the Sol-leks are mad at him, man, he's gonna get hit// YO, I think you should go on and blaze this nigga// come on, just supply a little wieght on the trigga// Hey man, I understand the red that's in your eyes// but think about how most of your homies lost their lives// Fuck that shit, homeboy tried to kill your ass// forget that goody over there, you pussy if you dont blast his ass// Dawg, revenge aint worth it, you live on the streets// what goes around comes around, he'll end up in some heat// LOOK AT HIM! this mutha fucka is smilin at you// its becuz you're stallin bitch, don't make this fool laugh at you// Wait man, that Hellspawn in you needs to calm down// I understand, but you're doin good in your life now// man, you're already goin to hell, you dont give a fuck// you have never let a mutha fucka push his luck// GO ON AND KILL THE MAN!!! Ah man, why you stallin remember you're an OUTLAW// everybody knows you dont give a fuck about the law// But think about how you're girl will react to the situation// She so in love with you she may die from the uncivilization// Please, nobody cares if you live or die// and stop askin God for forgiveness, your ass isn't gonna fly// But what you can do is make this nigga fly// from what we all know he's a snitchin kind of guy// Think about your brother, he's only nine years old// he looks up to you, you dont want him to turn out cold// Coldness and killin, thats all you are// KILL THIS MAN HIS LIFE ISNT GOIN TO FAR!!// Mike I see you pullin it back, you better quit it// it'll just make thing worse, people will know who did it// You lettin him go? let those shells hit the ground// It'll be all over the snitch wont make a sound// Please Mike, think about your life and whats right// you dont need another felon you already have two strikes// You're takin too long, this nigga aint gettin the clue// Make the correct decision I'll leave it up to you// The multi's and such were decent, could use a little work with the internal rhyming but you have the basics towards flow down. I followed the story to this, although, im not a huge fan of shootings / killing's etc in topical pieces, but i followed this, a couple of times the dialogue of characters made them seem unrealistic but i liked how you left the end at a kind of cliffhanger before rounding it up. That follow up style isn't used much a lot here, made it original i thought. All in all this wasnt a bad piece once i read past the pre-story and gang conversation parts. You've got a lot of potential there, just need to build on it. Oh - and drop the // after your bars, their annoying as fuck! Haha .. Pz.
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W o r d P e r f e c t  ^This is your IP bitch! |
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12-16-03, 04:38 PM
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#6
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IP:
Thats about the only topical I did on gang shootins cuz it happened for real. but thanks anyway
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12-18-03, 02:50 PM
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#7
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IP:
uppin
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12-18-03, 03:00 PM
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#8
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Guest
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IP:
i liked it, created a good imagry and had nice wrodplay. the cliffhanger was dope, best ending u could av done as it leaves the reader begging for more. good multis and flow was on point throughout. overall 8/10 nice shit and keep it up.
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12-21-03, 05:26 PM
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#9
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IP:
uppin
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12-21-03, 05:31 PM
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#10
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De M-O-D Bruk
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IP:
good drop..concept I thought was really good..
the beginning wit da gun shots didn't really fit but this was a good drop..7.5/10 Good job dawg.
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It's Gunna Be Some Stuff You Gon' See, That's Gunna Make It Hard To Smile In Da Future...
-Pac Shakur Acro Nim The Initial,Period I Speak Out Battles Pink Slips 007 Pt. 2 Fuck Bruklor aka Self.
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12-30-03, 02:36 PM
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#11
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A King Missing a Queen...
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IP:
You know what... I wasnt expecting this to be good. I thought it was ganna be another fake gangsta situation, but it wasnt. This was a nice drop, and listen to baron mind. He knows his shit, and he is right. This was a god drop, I liked the word-play and the flow. It gave me a dark feel, like a deep DMX flow or somthing. The concept was like Dre and Em, so that was cool. But you had your own touch on this, that was good work. Nice drop hommie. Keep it up, this showed alot of potential...
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 Sig created by "Tha Sick One..." CRHYME SINDICATE Open Mic Drops -Defying The Odds- Higher Thinking League Record 2-0 High Class vs Tweety ( semifinals match) |
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12-30-03, 07:58 PM
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#12
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Guest
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IP:
Yo Dawg....liked this one a lot, good concept, a bit more creative then most, a nice flow, and okay rhymes. I Like the whole story thing.
Gotta Say Good Job on This One. Just try to get some metas in there! PeacE Dawg |
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