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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
02-12-04, 07:15 PM
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#1
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Guest
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Treading Water
IP: 40D6 EBC3
Sharks are my greatest fear.. And by writing this...
Im trying to scare you... The way that they scare me... Obliviously swimming.. Gliding gracefully through the water A young girl out at sea... ... Remembering everything her mother taught her She was a good swimmer.. Had learnt at the age of four Never out of the pool or sea... ... She just wanted to swim more and more A fateful day.. A family holiday broken quicker than lightening Maybe it was feeding time... ... But what happens next is frightening She was splashing.. Hadnt been told thats the wrong thing to do Glass on the beach... ... The shardes cut her foot through her shoe Gritty sand created friction.. This is what re-opened the cut Ripped off the plaster... ... That was designed to keep the wound shut Swam out to far.. Trying to get far away from the shore Now out so deep... ... She couldnt see the ocean floor Unknowingly to her.. A leak of crimson was swirling from her toe And a deadly mass of muscle... ... Was circling around below Steathily moving.. Graceful yet immense in power So easy for it to rip... ... Tear and devour Rising with speed.. Jaws open to reveal the horrors of its teeth The girl not knowing... ... The shark attacks from beneath The moment before it grasps.. Before the bloodstained teeth take hold You have become just as scared as her... ...Left you wishing this story was never told |
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02-12-04, 07:53 PM
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#2
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1E
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IP: DF7B C8F7
i liked the way you told this... thought you got it across nicely.... it progressed well... i couple of lines seemed a bit stretched out, but other than that,,, i thought it was good.... it seemed well worded and stayed on topic,,,, so yeah nice......
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02-12-04, 07:55 PM
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#3
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Are you not scared?
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02-12-04, 08:02 PM
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#4
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1E
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IP: DF7B C8F7
i aint scared of shit..... lol
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02-12-04, 08:07 PM
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#5
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Im sure that if you looked into your toilet after you had just stood up from it...
Im sure... You would be scared... Lol^ |
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02-12-04, 08:08 PM
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#6
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1E
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IP: DF7B C8F7
lmfao... are you?.....
.... hit my latest |
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02-12-04, 08:47 PM
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#7
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Will do... Im going to bed in a minute...
Upping for someone else... rule, pen, eleete... Where are my faithful d/r's?!?!? LOL... Pz... |
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02-13-04, 04:39 AM
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#8
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Guest
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IP: 23B6 2C04
Upping...
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02-13-04, 07:12 AM
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#9
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IP: C1DA C961
Yo dog dat was pretty tight, i liked the way you told the story
it came across real nice, much props on tha verse........ and it didnt scare me it just made me think........"sucks to the that little girl" lol hit mine up "to whom it may concern" |
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02-14-04, 01:02 PM
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#10
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Upping...
Pz... |
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02-14-04, 01:22 PM
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#11
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: 4577 CD9A
Stop uppin this you fag!.....nice sig! make me one now! and this was also nice!
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02-14-04, 01:28 PM
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#12
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...
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IP: A9A7 727D
this was a really cool piece....you certainly have developed your own style.
the imagery was great, the way you described the water, and the cut and the shark, very nice. I liked your set up for the whole event, describing the girl's life. I just wish you had ended it in a better way...the ending was so abrupt, it didn't really lave an impression on me. good piece though, just try to finish off your ideas as opposed to cutting them short. =)
__________________
Life isn't a bitch... she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis |
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02-14-04, 05:08 PM
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#13
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Thanks Pen ya hoe...
 Maven... A dont know why a ended it so abruptly... Just did... Lol... Thanks for the comments from you all... Pz... |
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02-14-04, 05:51 PM
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#14
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New to RB
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IP: E32D 4CA0
I guess it was cool, but i aint in ta that soft kinda shit
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02-14-04, 06:01 PM
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#15
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New to RV
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IP: 909F E17F
hey guys, im new to this site and i wanna get into a battle. but i don't know how to go about doin it. if u guys could help me, that'd be cool. thanx
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