Any topical heads who can tell me how to get better?

upping for some muther fucking feed back yall!!!

now dats truth...more like a poem to me but if u get tha right beat and record it...dopeness mos def...8/10 jus for speakin tha truth fam...stay real

-DB

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heyu yo thanks for that feed nigkah.

This was a pretty nice peice... i was really feeling it ,
Structure was alittle messed up though, really needa work on that...
Try to match your lines up, cuz some times it throws the reader off..
You had lots of feeling and Nice emotions on this drop..
Really was nice , just elevate on structure and alittle bit on wordplay..
and you'll be fine ..keep it up

Psrop a link to an OM' you have left feedback on or this will be closed

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werd on the feed ma nigkah

heres ya link

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=184644


lets get some more on this!

19th century..romans fight for freedom..discretion in 2000 isnt taught
did man really land on the moon....or did he just convert a desert spot
^^^NICE LINE
truth in our history pages has been missing for ages..rages of lies fall from our sky's
lady liberty isnt much but a scam..to make america never want to ask why
^^^DECENT
industrial like chemicals rain from the sky..to blow up another humans land
and we still clap..laugh and praise the beast in command
^^^IIGHT
should i turn a blind eye? should i never ask why?
or should I speak whats on my mind...am I a lonley kind?
Theres an answer to every question..true history..is what I will find
^^^GOOD
negative times..we forced to remind the war veterans of the pain and suffering they went thru
but if you didnt die...would they world simply forget you
^^^Hmmmm.... NICE LINE VERY THOUGHTFUL
is history really that bright...or is it as dark as an african night?
people need to look towards the furtue..but learn from the mistake
human race walking backwards while tryna reach the future...soon to just hit breaks
^^^GOOD
will my children be born into a world that see's bush as a saviour
cause really he hasnt done anyone a favour
^^^DAMN RIGHT BUSH AINT DONE SHIT!
he gave more hurt to an allready struggling society
I want our real history books...why do leader lie to me
^^^NICE LINE
what are you tryna hide? why are certain pages had ink spilt on them
whats wrong with them?do i not belong with them...
^^^GOOD
How can we get along with them? when the truth...seems to allways be gone
^^^ NICE CLOSURE

real good topical homie
u had lotz of lines in dere dat really made me think
i liked ur word choice and lyrics
good topic chosen, very thoughtful
u pretty good at topicals homie
stay up
8.5/10
.........1

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damn....truth spoken in dis 1...i really enjoyed it. it kinda reminded me of 'pac in the way it was real to tha core in some parts but at tha same time it made me think of Common cuz it had great consistancy. vocab could always be betta 4 any rapper no matta how good u are but still this is a given for OM of tha month....stay up & rtf.1.

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do i need a fuckin sig?

i was really feelin this bruh.

flowed nicely and good expanded vocab used,only thing a little thing a bit off was the structure. the best om ive read in a minute, nice drop, keep doin ya thing.
rtf.

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thanks for the feedback.