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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
05-08-05, 04:45 AM
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#1
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Banned: Biting
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Really Not Known 4 this but....
IP: B4BB 7A42
Yeah heres somthing i wrote
Beauty unmatched such plentyful words stretched out upon a thousand fences mended hearts attatched since first site never let go for it would leave us dead frozen souls and images partakin my mind so i leave myself in the images of her with him hearts broken once frozen now in thousands of pieces i cry in pain and and think of death in my head thinkin on the other side there wont be any feeling so i let the blade slide against my wrist let the blood tinkle down my arm as i get weak site gets weary and i feel real light headed thinkin this is death O! how silly of me I feel the pain tensing minds traveling distances blood drips i feel no pain anymore no way that is And i lay down and my eyes dreatfully close 3 hours pass my heads not thinking straight I relize again what love has done to my heart Grab the gun think to myself will this do the job |
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05-08-05, 01:46 PM
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#2
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Poeticool
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IP: 7F1B 63C4
i'll edit later with feedback.
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05-08-05, 02:05 PM
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#3
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Banned: Biting
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IP: B4BB 7A42
alright and soon as u do leave a link
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05-08-05, 05:14 PM
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#4
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Banned: Biting
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IP: B4BB 7A42
uppin
............. |
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05-08-05, 06:38 PM
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#5
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Banned: Biting
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IP: B4BB 7A42
UPPPPIn..damn...
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05-08-05, 06:45 PM
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#6
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Cuz I'm Old Skool Baby
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IP: 042E 9E4C
daaaammmnnnn---thats heavy!! lol but i liked it! nice imagery and emotion!!
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This is my sig. what? I'm white so u KNOW i can't rap =) I will definitely RTF if u leave a link, thanks! |
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05-08-05, 06:54 PM
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#7
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Banned: Biting
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IP: B4BB 7A42
thanks girl...uppin for that feedback
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05-08-05, 07:20 PM
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#8
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...
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IP: 3147 6785
no the imagery on this was nonsense you jumped all over and became too descriptive boring the reader with nonsense in the progress your poem basically never moved from one spot you tried vocab but it seems forced in many places here emotion was ok but worded wrong here this is a newb poem not wack but remains many venues for improvement it started off decent stuck in one spot then moved to the next and stuck there the topic has been done 938093875208-54 times already and much better dram queen did it real nice like a month ago your shit is neither creative ora good read you need to work on better imagery like you had in the first few lines and move around with your imagery better describe better whats going on in better vividness.
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vvv AND A NEW LEVEL OF HERB EMERGES vvv Quote:
^^in other words your scared running from a battle on a site made for battling and your mod so you dont have to battle you just duck and pop shit? herb  I OWN RB YOUR NAME GOES HERE SOCRATES
EFUSIVE PAIR-A-DYCE LYRIC
VALOR
OAKLEY SDIZZLE
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