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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
08-19-05, 12:11 AM
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#16
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Witness, 4 God, 4-Ever
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IP: 01AD F907
this was good man, very nice, emotion and imagery were good, flow and structure were also good, great job man, keep it up
__________________
 i come from a time when you earned respect, for your rhyme and the way you made words connect, not the money that you made or the girls you sexed, a concept you obviously haven't heard of yet Mars Ill
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08-19-05, 04:40 AM
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#17
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IP: 68F3 D87D
thanx
uppin |
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08-19-05, 11:15 AM
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#18
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©
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IP: 68F3 D87D
Uppin..........
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08-20-05, 08:05 AM
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#19
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Odi et Amo
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IP: B262 9091
Aight piece...
The concept was nice but the development of the story was sort of predictable I suppose. You still kinda struggle with your diction in my opinion: some rhyming words didn't work, grammatical errors and I had the feeling some things should've been worded differently. It's no imagery piece so I cannot comment on that but the emotion was there, you said everything the way it is, no real poetic wordings and such. Flow was decent, some lines were bit stretched so might work on that. Vocabulary was on point, the hook was real nice as well... Keep on writing and elevating!
__________________
Authentik Intelligence  ...The future is mine... |
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08-20-05, 02:04 PM
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#20
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IP: 2029 97B3
good shit man for reals 10/10
__________________
~*~Operation Take Over~*~
WhAt EvEr It TaKeS |
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08-20-05, 05:29 PM
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#21
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IP: 68F3 D87D
yo thanx dawg^^^^
Uppin...... |
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08-20-05, 11:12 PM
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#22
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Middle Weight
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IP: 8A05 210E
damn duke diz piece is str8 fire i like da concept vocab was nice structure was hittin originality was real good & tha creativity was up 2 par keep writing fa sho
__________________
 Choose words carefully when you address me
You ain't gotta like me, but you're gonna respect me (Or else) or else you get wet like a jigsknee Take ten of these and live, that'll impress me |
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08-24-05, 10:34 AM
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#23
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IP: 68F3 D87D
uppin..............
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08-26-05, 12:47 PM
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#24
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IP: 828D 0B7A
bump .
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08-26-05, 12:53 PM
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#25
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in your system
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IP: 9E2F CDE8
nice piece, still experimenting with flow eh.......well, first 4 lines were great....i think, like i said in the other one, you use too much commas, trying to paste multiple thoughts together.......take a little more time on those lines, and word them right.......try using different vocab, descriptive words help because they are effective in representing more than one word, they can mean a whole phrase, get me?......but nice piece, good message, raw emotion........up the rhyming a lil bit at the end, gets a little dry when its just one syllable words........but getting better man, this would be pretty coo as a song
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=206108 rtf boy
__________________
this world is a drug, and everyone's selfish FLY FREE |
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08-26-05, 06:06 PM
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#26
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©
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IP: 828D 0B7A
thanx dawg i will rtf tomorrow fo sho
bump |
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