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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
03-04-03, 04:30 PM
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#1
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Guest
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"untitled"
IP: 4577 CD9A
This is something I wrote:
The pain in my head is as painful as in my heart. I see my emotions turning black as eternity passes me by. I hear the screaming in my head. I smell nothing because my senses have left me with nothing. I reach out to touch those who try to help me, but they fade away I taste the cold harsh reality of life and then I wake up. |
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03-05-03, 07:00 AM
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#2
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Guest
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IP: E716 7F87
yo this is whack...it dont even ryhme!
keep practicing...2 posts aint enuff yet |
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03-05-03, 05:45 PM
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#3
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Guest
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IP: 5153 3B92
for ur infomation, it ain't supose to rhyme, jackass......what the hell u talking about 2 post......when u urself only have three.....so please find a better way to be a asshole.
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03-05-03, 08:04 PM
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#4
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Special Ghost To Blow
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IP: ABE5 5A5C
it dont gotta rhyme..its only your thoughts an feelings
if you go to any open mic night ish lotta people blaze it rhyming and some dont rhyme at all..its all poetry... what im gettin from readin this....im feelin lost myself thinkin am i really doing tha right thing and is she tha one...a million unanswered questions homie..this poem wasnt great but it wasn horrible either..check minez..peace |
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03-06-03, 08:22 AM
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#5
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Guest
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IP: BFE5 28C7
was short, but kind of precise and to the point...did it's 'job' in a way..
...respect... |
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03-06-03, 04:26 PM
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#6
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Guest
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IP: 5153 3B92
thx for ur replys.....any suggestions are helpful for me.....
peace |
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03-18-03, 04:56 PM
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#7
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Guest
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IP: A4B6 EC8A
this was good becaus eit was original i get it it was like you was express your 5 sense's right. good base.
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03-19-03, 10:35 AM
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#8
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~OrIgINaL eXeCuToNeR~
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IP: ABE5 5A5C
umm
^^  ok..."original"...every piece is original...lets give some real feedback..the kidd needs it....son...ya structure was mos def wack...ya vocab very simple....ya subjct was at a nice start...what you need to do is...elaborate on ya feelings....expand ya voab...n switch ya structure....organize ya thoughts n re do this piece.. why does your head hurt as much as ya heart why do you hear screaming.... detail son..thats what gets the reader....believe holla one...hunnet
__________________
freelance RN Vs RB WAR!!....yr 2000...vet~~YEA I SAID VET!! WHAT YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT? STEP THEN YOU FUCKING HOMO'S |
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