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Banned
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untitled
IP: 1B3B C284
These same four walls i see
Trapped within but noone sees Im tired of hate runnin into me You want my love it is not free I stand alone in the dark i fear I feel as if the demin is so damn near Through the eyes of darkness i brake and stear but in to the glowing night i see and nuthing i hear A dream of death more then a nightmare i kill the pain of drugs by takin it in this bug infests me takes my life As its controls me does wat it likes |
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Banned
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IP: 1B3B C284
this was pretty much one of my first poems i did
i jus wanted to get some feed back on how i could elevate more if you could plz point out some weekness and helop me out thanx peace |
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Guest
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IP: D2D1 B5AF
well the rhyme scheme was basic but it didn't have to rhyme
i think u shoulda expressed more of what u were feeling than trynin to rhyme. thats the way it seemed to me. use better vocab maybe. good flow and structure though. keep postin up man............................................... .. |
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Banned
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IP: 1B3B C284
thanx your honest feedback much appreciated
uuppiinn for some more peace //////\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\'''''''''''''' |
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Banned
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IP: BD18 BFF7
you should have made it not rhyme so you could do more then syllable rhyming
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Guest
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IP: B815 C7BC
Quite simplistic. Both in structure and overall wording. Though still bringing a personal depth. Of emotions and meaning.
If one was to build upon this. I think they'd have to elaborate on certain things further. Explore and ask the question 'why' whilst writing a bit more. And try not to think of rhyming too much. Which i can see you at times tried not to do. ...resp... |
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Guest
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IP: 7AFC 236C
it was straight but it rhymed alot
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Guest
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IP: 0594 A279
I agree, Ithink you should have expressed more how you feel, and the structure was perhaps too simple. It still had great meaning though.
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