I have recently discovered a major dilemma in my personality.

See I am a very religious man. I dedicate a lot of time to study religion and its philosophy, origions and everything else. I attempt to open peoples eyes from time to time about the truth behind religion and I always think outside the box of whats literal in order to teach and serve god in my music and normal speech because I genuinly want to help the world..

HOWEVER.....

My thought patterns are evil as fuck..
A lot of the time, I could really care less about people and their issues or feelings, I have absolutly no tolorance for stupidity and I show this often by making harsh remarks that normal people wouldnt even think of saying. I get excessivly drunk really often and take drugs on a regular basis. I judge people on their looks big time.. I am an asshole to most chicks that dont show atleast some form of intelligence (often to their face).. I am ruthless to achieve goals and usually pretty damn arrogant and not willing to give people the time of day..

This shit perplexes me so badly, cause I do enjoy my evil personality to the extent where it makes me feel good and I would have it no other way.. But I know it goes against everything I stand for as a human being..

Can anyone else in this forum relate to this? Or am I just a fucked up anomoly of a man.