I know some of you guys may think this is funny, or that I'm saying this to a WAY lesser degree than I really am, but I'm seriously, mentally and physically dependant on, and addicted to the stimulation and aura of money - geting it, posessing it, AND spending it. I literally do get a high off it.

The high I get from generating money, is the same high a hunter gets on his prowl, or a marksman gets on his target, or you may get on a once-in a life time opportunity or unlikely event, mistake in your favor, etc. You feel like things are turnin around (no matter how good they may already be.) and that "hell, I deserved this". Walk with your chin a lil higher and everything. The afterglow manifests as my complete absence that "things" like ANYTHING costs money. In my mind, the high, it blocks me from seeing that I have to actually pay for things, because when I'm in motion in the high, money isn't something I use, it's something I would show like a get out of jail free card. It feels like I flash it and give a sample of it and get the items, ANYTHING, clothes, jewelry, food, smoke, ANYTHING for free. You don't come down till you realize the pockets are gettin tighter. And then you do what it takes to get high all over again. Then I get right back high as shit again. So high that I often forget to pay for things and automatically start heading out the door casually after it's been bagged.

The fix is that my mind's always racing, thinking of ways to generate money. Like I flip resources and assets like knowing someone who's good at this, or knowing someone needing that or looking to sell this other thing, flip a few of em together and from normal everyday "nothing special" things or tidbits into money generating, functoining entities. I get a thrill from letting my mind make the leaps from one to another as the idea spawns - and on top of that, realizing and lockin down a viable and already waiting reward. Sometimes, I like it a little too much.

I go into the equivilant of a "bad trip" sometimes, where my mind is OVERactive and I just go into a complete idea frenzy that drives me to the brink of my sanity. The ideas (and sometimes manifests as rhymes if I'm in a rap mood) are pretty good ones, like on a 1-10 of "that's brilliant!" they're 8's to 9's, but the downside is that it consumes me to the point of like "ok, I can take this cake-mix in my cupboard, bake a cake, get icing and put icing on it, make it look real pretty and all. Dress up like tiger woods, and get my lil cousin, or a friends younger brother to go door to door selling slices for the price of a "kindhearted donation" that the kid tells people is for his moms surgery. People would fall in love with the little kid right there on the spot and give out like 50-60 bucks at a clip around here. He's not really robbin em, because in their heart, it makes them feels generous by giving to some needy, what they percieve to be, scuzzy poor kid down on his luck, you know, a reall "lesser person" with a good heart. That's their charity, that's their confessional booth, priest and all. They wash away their guilt of being a savage greedy parasite all their selfish lives...but giving money to a kid. The way I see it, I'm providing a service, so I take a major cut, the kid gets money and a good lesson about life, and all of us, me, the kid, and all the buyers sleep better that night. Why should I NOT do it?"

And that's the dilemas I face daily and in the most fiend state, I can think of about 5 of these ideas to full growth ready to launch in about an hour. I spend hours thinking of ways to lock it down so it's foolproof and failproof under any contingency (the mamoth RG is a product of such thinking). And all off of something as small as thinking of a box of cakemix in my cupboard. I got a serious fuckin problem yo.

The real realization of the problem is that I do it in everything at random moments. Like I'll tackle something, master it, and just drop it and move on. Cold. Except MONEY. I keep coming back to it man, it's my eternal fix and I love the way succeeding at it makes me feel. Since I was old enough to get an under the counter job, I just thought of ways to generate mad money. I can't even call it "hustlin" because really it's not. Hustlin takes existing things to get money by selling someone something at a price that yields a profit for the source. What I'm doing is literally building new things and a new service, new occurance, new event, a new experience in someone's life, and they pay me for it with a titnaic smile. And it all generates M.O.N.E.Y. Tell me, am I sick or what?

Or I'll do it on a smaller scale, which is like my hit every few hours, I'll think of some fragment of something I have open, and think on it or an idea will hit me outta the blue of a way I can plant a seed in that end that'll benefit me financially in the future. Why? just because it'll make the ease of FUTURE occurances go A LOT smoother till they fully blossoms and it's time to pick em and get paid all over again. And so on and so on.

I really sat and thought this and realized that I am displaying all the signs of addiction, right down to the dependancy. Shit, I need money to live, right? I'm far from a greedy person, I'm damn near borderline excessive, so hell in my mind I'm justified. No one's harmed at all and the buyer's day is that much better - with their micro-high of my own high. Because hell, in that cake scenario, I am the person that's buying my cake - to the person that's bying the cake. I get high off getting paid for their gratification of emotional needs, through some product or service or something liek that, that I sold em and they ritefully feel good about buying. It makes ME feel good inside. Makes my black heart warm. And my cold pocket fat.

The real problem is that in my mind it's the perfect addiction. Why? because the more I use it and abuse it, the better off my life is. The end product is an actual IMPROVEMENT of life quality when off the high - which is UNHEARD of. The downside? Feeding that furious beast within that only gets more viciious as it's claws get more sharp, and it's sight gets more accurate, and it's bite is more venomous as you feed it more money. No possible solution would be worth it since even in my most savage cravings and fiend mind-sets, they will always generate income or success, and how can I possibly argue with either? I literally have no cure because on paper, I have no problem. But in reality I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM that dman near a compulsive obsession! Am I insane here, or what? Be real with me, is it just me that sees this shit like that or what?

__________________