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12-19-03, 01:11 PM | #1 | ||||||
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JuSt SoMe ShIt
IP: 6236 079F
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=99897 http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=99886 [url]http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=99900 My mother has no concept of my own decisions So I need to make some mother fuckn' revisions I dont want to end up like these nasty as street bums digging through the trash cans for damn hamburger buns but by the way things are going... I'm gonna do that So the question is where's the fuckn' halfway house at? Do they allow animals? I need my calico cat She is a kitten... add an S... you've got my name down pat I'm a newbie at rhyming to gimme a break I don't know what the hell I'm doing for Christ's sake But maybe rhymers need all the damn words they can make lookn' through the dictionary... next weapon to take I may be off by a fuckn' syllable or two but Im not a pro... do you expect me to be you? Ontop of that... I'm catching a cold or maybe the flu put my life on hold 'till I'm fucking good as new Mom... I need you to stop being crazy or just plain you I'm a ninteen year old baby who really needs you And we can't communicate if you worry too much you think I'm doing drugs... just an intuition hunch yo...... Last edited by skitten : 12-19-03 at 01:17 PM. |
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12-19-03, 01:24 PM | #2 | ||||||
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IP: 19AF 50C1
not bad at all the idea and concept are there.....wordplay is a little simple....bar length and structure was real good.
you lack complexity which isnt bad if you want to rhyme simple but to elivate you need better word usage and some degree of complexity ....also your verse had no climax which makes almost dull to read through focus on that. |
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12-19-03, 03:37 PM | #3 | |||||||
New to RB
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IP: 438E 522F
yo that was aight
gud structure n flow ok keep at it elevate bruv sfe feedbak>>>http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=99921 sfe peace out |
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12-19-03, 04:09 PM | #4 | |||||||
Veteran
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IP: FF89 3C60
Really nice work, Skitten...
Primitive in places. Format needs work. Vocab could use a lift. But your message was pretty damn good. Lot's of emotion and depth to this. That is of course, if you're female. If you're a dude, I might be thinking: wuss! But either way, this came off real nice. 6.50/10
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12-19-03, 04:37 PM | #5 | ||||||
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IP: 399E F0FD
Thanks guys. Im working on making it more complex. I am also working on the ending. Thanks for feedback.
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12-19-03, 06:17 PM | #6 | |||||||
1E
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IP: DF7B C8F7
i thought the concept was good...but could have been delivered a touch better,,,but ya still got the meaning across....a lil work on wordplay n shit and you got it...simple in places...but in some cases it dont need complexity...pZ....nice work.....jus work it
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