Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
01-10-04, 02:03 PM | #1 | ||||
Over Weight
|
Inspiring to...
IP: 6236 079F
(~Was originally meant as a topical battle tryout to get in SF...but I liked it so i'm posting it here...)
Topic-Inspiring to... I try and Softly Focus on the subject, but it remains aloof, These aspirations, are what they are, not my lively truth, Because I am stuck on what I'm not doing, without proof, So I can't complain, as these stories tell of all the same, Read these with sorrow, you may feel all my hearts pain, Jake's Story He was the undoubted, target of uncivilized bullies, He hadn't an idea of what was wrong with him fully, Why had God paid him this devious anguished price, 'Causing Jake enough greivence to kill himself twice, Neither time's worked, neither time killed him at all, Until it fully reached him, stumbling upon it, Mid-Fall, He wouldn't kill himself, he'd killed those he dis-liked, He was inspired to kill, Frank, Dwight, and Big Mike, Frank's Story Frank, was a product of the eviroment he grew up in, Verbal assaults, beatings, and disregard for women, That's including his mother, for her, no one caredless, The beatings she had taken increased Frank's stress, So that's when he would releive himself, bullying jake, Acting hard on the outside, though in he would break, So he inspired to, act as though he wasn't a real fake, Dwight's Story Inappropriate touching's,...misleading as he was young, He was confused as to what it had made him, he'd sung, The man, who cause him all this grief, died bein' old man, He had nothing to vent with, Jake was his life's program, As he gave him viscious beating's he pictured, the fingers, Up and down, the horrible thoughts in his head still linger, He was touched, he was fucked, as only a young minor, So he inspired to take back, what threw him in the wire, Big Mike's Story Gangbanging seemed as an everyday event for Big Mike, I really meant in the sense of gangs and gay's just alike, You see, at the age of 15, 2 big events for him took place, Shot a man to get in the Bloods, and caught a case of drips, In the long run, the Bloods wasn't as important as his lips, He kissed many dicks, As much as he hated gangs like Crips, Angry with himself, he would beat on poor little Jakey boy, Not knowing the consequences, of this years hating toy, So Big Mike, inspired, to beat good old Jakey... senslessly To take away from everyone finding out that he has ...HIV Concluding Jake.. Yes he would kill them, that was his main lifes thrill, It raced through his mind like Columbine, kill, kill, kill, Hense, he knows he couldn't ever go through reality, So he kills himself, not his 3 inspiring personalilities...
__________________
Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
Last edited by Sarcasm : 01-10-04 at 03:29 PM. |
||||
01-10-04, 02:10 PM | #2 | |||||||
Banned: Spamming
|
IP: 3354 DAC6
Lol at stealing my centering steez ..
.. the story was decent, you should ditch the whole perfectly-even lines thing though, yes, i used to write like that .. but after a while you'll realise thats actually holding your content back. That's what happened here i felt, you had a good concept / idea on where you wanted to take this .. but some of lines were worded awkwardly to try and fit them together perfectly .. also, a main problem with this was the basic rhyming, dont rhyme just the end words. Internals and multi's are important to open mic pieces, otherwise its just a lot of one syllable rhyming and that brings the content down in my opinion. The flow was decent in some parts, choppy in others .. again, that was down to the bar lengths god damn you! i liked the whole personality thing though, it wasnt a bad verse. signs of potential there but you really need to step it up on the multi's side of things. respond to mine you glutton! http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=105272
__________________
W o r d P e r f e c t ^This is your IP bitch! |
|||||||
01-10-04, 02:16 PM | #3 | ||||
Over Weight
|
IP: 399E F0FD
coo^^^ thank you....lol that is kinda true about the whole boxing up things, it does hold you back from more of what you want to put...
__________________
Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
|
||||
01-10-04, 02:18 PM | #4 | ||||
Straight Savage.
|
IP: 8BEC CACE
Nice piece...The perfect legth did water down on how you could have worked the wording a bit. It was nice to touch upon the personalitie's demented pasts. Pretty dope, I don't focus on multies as much, but you could have used a bit more. You had decent vocabulary just awkward points in which your content suffered for bar structure..Dope.
__________________
Only God can judge me, Who THE FUCK IS YOU?! |
||||
01-10-04, 02:22 PM | #5 | ||||
Over Weight
|
IP: 399E F0FD
coo! i like having feedback...makes you feel special..even when I have to ask someone for it....
__________________
Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
|
||||
01-10-04, 02:29 PM | #6 | ||||
Over Weight
|
IP: 399E F0FD
people...please don't sleep on this....I put time into it...which is rare....
__________________
Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
|
||||
01-10-04, 03:28 PM | #7 | ||||
Over Weight
|
IP: 399E F0FD
people..plz dont sleep....
__________________
Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
|
||||
01-10-04, 03:37 PM | #8 | |||||
Banned: Compromised Account
|
IP: FF53 66D0
ok....
good peice....but like everyone said some of ya lines got held back cuz of the pefect length shit good peice though...i was feelin it.. but again ditch the pefect length stuff overall good piece...alot of multis...dont need that much, pretty good vocab now u got more feedback ...even though u had to ask me for it..
__________________
A.I.
...Gone... |
|||||
01-10-04, 03:40 PM | #9 | ||||||
Registered User
|
IP: D464 A806
'Causing Jake enough greivence to kill himself twice
... damn thats deep..imagery is great in jake's story man... So he inspired to, act as though he wasn't a real fake, nice line here but flow was off during second piece an it suffered for it... As he gave him viscious beating's he pictured, the fingers, Up and down, the horrible thoughts in his head still linger, He was touched, he was fucked, as only a young minor, So he inspired to take back, what threw him in the wire, heh...that was some sick shit....nicely done made me think...made me think a little too much actually...an it was nice thoughts lol..ill Hense, he knows he couldn't ever go through reality, So he kills himself, not his 3 inspiring personalilities... nice ending but shouldnt have made mic gay...how can he be a battyboy blood lol..jus wouldnt happen... overall this suffered from its lack of multi's still an interesting piece tho... drop some feedback on my piece...thanks http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=105566 |
||||||
01-10-04, 03:42 PM | #10 | ||||
Over Weight
|
IP: 399E F0FD
lol.....I relate all of my stories around people and events that happen..lol..thanks to both...
__________________
Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
|
||||
01-10-04, 03:52 PM | #11 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 3273 E58A
That shit is twisted........
Really.... I can't really add much more to what the cats above you said.. Not too many multi's, the box was gay, and the flow was defenitley off in some parts i found my self having to read lines two or three times to get it back Good concept though, I was really feeling the story Drop some feedback on Star Track |
||||||
01-10-04, 03:55 PM | #12 | ||||||
Registered User
|
IP: D464 A806
Star lol..you gave feedback on his 1st
:angry: naa but please drop some on my open mic..its alot shorter than yours an i did drop indepth feedback on that long shit... |
||||||
01-10-04, 04:05 PM | #13 | ||||||
Guest
|
IP: 7C9F 2C4F
great concept, and style of writing in here, good imagery and vocabulary, a good showing of karma and the 2 sides to every story, well worth the read. is there gonna be a part 2?
keep posting. |
||||||
01-10-04, 04:10 PM | #14 | ||||
Over Weight
|
IP: 399E F0FD
^^^alrite..ill get around to it don't worry...
__________________
Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
|
||||
01-10-04, 04:12 PM | #15 | ||||
Over Weight
|
IP: 399E F0FD
^^^thats directed to johnny and genuis....
__________________
Soft Focus Suicide Inc. RhymeVantage Def.Ill Ghost-Writers Retarded people's heads are to big..I'll be back with something just as funny as watching the Special Olympics..don't worry..
|
||||
Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
Display Modes | |
|
|