Whats goin on why is there screaming? why is my mom crying? im dreaming...this is not really happenning/

This tragedy, my mom sits in agony, inside and out my mother pains horribly/

I feel mad, what should I do somthing bad? no, I also feel love, should I feel sad?/

Anger for the man dats not really a man, instead of being what he should-instead he ran, he drank/

Love for my mother the woman that raised, the woman that since the day I was born her name I will praise/

He calls himself "un hombre" a man-but what man makes a woman cry? of course not a real man-i ask why? do you drink? do you stink? do you wanna die..../

I feel this pain inside, deep within me it hides, the thought that I didnt get raised right, the only woman that cares is the one thats always willing to put up a fight/

The demon is here, evil appeared, satan? devil? no the demon is beer, for my whole life its meant nuthin but fear, wondered my whole life-will it dissappear?/

My mother, theres a woman that I would never put anything above her, this woman god i love her/

This struggle always happens you see, wonder why this pain burdens on me, it doesnt only affect one person-hurts my whole family, for my mom i share her pain deeply/

I pray for sources of strength, i hope the thought of my girlfreind will let me go the lengths, i jus think of the happiness and the good times we spent/


this poem relates to my alchoholic dad. in many ways hes back...

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Deep thoughts man...lots of meaning...i feel that the structure of the peace was weak...but you expressed yourself well....maybe work on your word play and structure and you'll have a promising writing hoby..

-1-

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SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)

This was deep. I felt it, for real.
It was kind of weak, i think you should upp
your vocab, and word usage. You also repeated
alot of the same ideas, and i think that took away from the
flow andpower of the piece....but i liked it
it's good to see the ways that people express themselves,
keeping it inside is defintely not the way to go
alcholic/abusive relationships can be very hard especially
if it involves a loved one, just make sure you're there
when they need you, and even if the one doing the harm is
one you hold dear also, you cant let that stop you
from stepping up and doing whats right, don't let it get out
of hand, and let her know that she doesnt need anything like that............ dont wanna start preaching in here, but i dont like shyt like that.
PM me if you ever need to talk.

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~.:Soft Focus:.~
{--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --}
{-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-}
{--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--}
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{ --Rule (\_/~\_/) Mental God--}
Poetry
Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten
Understanding Once Again
"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom:
the music is nothing if the audience is deaf."

this was realy deep...realy deep feelings...the idea behind this pice the feelin this person had about her dad is mostly comun in alot of ppl lifes and should be in many ways awear...through this poem this person expressed the feeling of fear not only for himself but for the mother and also the father....this was deep


peace

Damn this had deep azz emotion and u let all ur feelins out. It hit me hard. Thats what sticks out the most, the emotion. there was also a lot of imagery in it and it made me feel as if i was there. Structure needs a lil work, but its iight. Great job. Keep it up.

The content of what you were saying was good and your message was understood.
Good luck with you family.
I would recommend working on technical aspects of poetry. First rhyme scheme... it was forced in a lot of areas. Use punctuation when necessary, it make the piece more readable and the message will come out stronger.
I think that repetition in a piece like this is a goodthing because technically you are mirroring the content of the poem and the reality of alcoholism.
.wurd.and.good.luck.bro.
.peace.

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I'm a goblin hooked on rails, stuck drinking ale/ I'll rip the horn out a unicorn and shove it up your fairy tale.

thanx for the feedback. i wrote this poem like in 15 mins, 2 days ago. i had alot of anger before but ever since i met my new gf, its been different. so 2 days ago instead of goin out and kickin drunk ppls asses(which woulda got me in juvi couse im already on probation) i just wrote a poem. it flowed to me naturally. its a very personal poem and i didnt know how ppl woulda reacted to it, im glad yall like it

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Nice deep thoughts being given out here
but your structure hampered it alot
try to group it in stanza's rather than seperate lines
it will help the reader understand the piece...

Props

pz

o, um im not good with formatin and things. i just write it how im used to.

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this one is really deep and emotional and it seems like you can feed other poems of yours off of this one . yeah yeah i kn yah don wanna hear this one again but the structure on this one was off a lil bit.... but its a good peice anyway.

hey u kan im me wen eva yah want tah

this poem was very emotional. it was easy and hard to write, easy becouse it flowed to me naturally, hard becouse it was very intense it the momment, i actually had tears when writing this poem becouse my mom was crying...but watever thats kinda over now. i wasnt too concentrated on structure because like i said, it came naturally to me so i didnt have time to concentrate on that. thanx for the feedback!

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