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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
02-09-04, 10:06 PM
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#1
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Guest
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He was going to change the world today..
IP: B392 9A55
Lets see if I still got it.
He Was Going To Change The World Today ..He was going to change the world today.. ..Effect every boy and girl.. ..His name would never be forgotten.. .Once his plan fully unfurled.. ..He was going to change the world today.. ..Make sure to play his highest card.. ..His thoughts and beliefs would become known.. ..Because he’d etch them into their hearts.. ..He was going to change the world today.. ..He reminisced as he drove to school.. ..He’d pay them back ten-fold for what they did to him.. ..Today he’d educate the fools.. ..He was going to change the world today.. ..Failure wasn’t an option, there was no such thing as no.. ..He was well equipped to fulfill his objectives.. ..Many weapons and much more ammo.. ..He was going to change the world today.. ..No longer would they be bewildered.. ..He would unleash it all on them.. ..His frustrations would thusly be filtered.. ..He was going to change the world today.. ..But instead was greeted by piercing screams.. ..His adrenaline began to flow.. ..As he stared at the scene in disbelief.. ..He was going to change the world today.. ..His prerogative engraved still.. ..His life flashing before him.. ..Like an uneventful highlight reel.. ..He was going to change the world today.. ..He begged for mercy but was shown none.. ..He prayed for the Lord to watch over both his wife and unborn son.. ..He was going to change the world today.. ..Sought out to teach them all.. ..He was instead greeted by a barrage of bullets.. ..Followed by a sudden calm.. ..He was going to change the world today.. ..But instead lay in his own blood.. ..His students grasping onto him.. ..He died shortly thereafter, they did all they could.. ..He was going to change the world today.. ..He lived to teach, to many a true blessing.. ..His books were his weapons against ignorance.. ..And his ammo was truth in his lessons.. .. He was going to change the world today.. ..But that was all changed by a single bullet.. ..He was going to change the world today.. …but Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris beat him to it.. Last edited by Dez : 02-10-04 at 03:49 AM. |
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02-09-04, 10:24 PM
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#2
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Suspended Suspense
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IP: EC0B 84C7
very well done.
It's hard to find a point to start at. So I will start with the structure. Although not to complicated it easily broke the boundaries of simplicity. Your flow, on point almost throughout the whole thing, except the end of the first stanza, it died there, I feel because of a shortage of syllables. Your vocab, wasn't to impressing, but with this topic, vocab would have been un-becoming to the moral and point of the piece. The topic, hits very close to home for me, I had friends who were enrolled at Columbine when the shooting's occured, and it was very nice to see that it impacted someone other then those people. All in all, Good drop, 8/10, keep them coming. If you would return the favor and provide some honest feedback for my piece, "The Soldiers Creed" in my sig, I would be extremely gratefull. It has been horribly slept on, not one reply since last night when I dropped it. |
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02-10-04, 03:06 AM
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#3
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IP: 1B58 1357
Will do. Up.
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02-10-04, 03:44 AM
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#4
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Old School Sexy...
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IP: CB28 E7E2
holy shit dez.. that was fucking awesome.. you totally flipped that shit.. dawg your the fucking shit.. thats the best thing i read in a while im nominating it for top ten..
__________________
Acro Nim
Initial, Period  We're Coming For You
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02-10-04, 07:02 AM
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#5
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Guest
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IP: 1B58 1357
rgfwref
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02-10-04, 06:00 PM
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#6
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Guest
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IP: B392 9A55
^^^^^^^fghsrfg sevrtsr zdsrthdbr
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02-10-04, 06:04 PM
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#7
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1E
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IP: 5AF5 5CA5
when i started reading it and realised how it was going, thought it would get a bit repetative, but it didnt seem to... i liked it, ive seen this sorta thing done before, but with the topic u chose it carried well... so yeah,, nice shit...
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02-10-04, 06:14 PM
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#8
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_-Lucky Rabbits Foot-_
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IP: CF61 4449
that wus pretty dope... it flowed just right
at the begining I was thinking He was the person whod shoot up the skool but you made the twist on it and with the weapons as teachins n stuff that wus hott good rhyme scheme and who are Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris i know its probly a shootin like columbine but i dont pay attention to names... sorry pretty nice drop tho dope... ill... sick... lmao anyway nice man... and Imagery was completly there along with the flow structure and topic which you stayed on... good man hit up my Open mic its... _.::-No Luck I-::._ pz... _-SyaNidal-_ ...Out
__________________
_-Current Battles-_
SyaNidal \v/ Diverse _-Open Mics-_
....Tragic..Death..I.... ....Tragic..Death..II....  _-::.CorruptedVisionz.::-_
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02-10-04, 09:28 PM
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#9
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Guest
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IP: B392 9A55
Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris were the shooters at Columbine..
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02-10-04, 10:28 PM
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#10
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Fern Gully
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IP: E7E8 E1E9
Quote:
with that now in mynd - i think i like the peice even more i mean - the idea was awesome - the whole style irony was real evident - i mean this guy is madder about the fact that he couldnt do what dylan and eric did... i really have nothin but good things to say - my kind of peice - one that focus' more on flow and story telling then big words (RB's Favorite Thing in The World) definitly top ten fuck it top five props to the fullest maybe you could hit this up? http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113500
__________________
 Knum-Sayins??? Keepin It Real Dumb
The Creation
We Dont Need A Fuckin Crew Forum! Kost
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02-11-04, 02:29 PM
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#11
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Guest
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IP: CC2C AC6F
will do.
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02-11-04, 03:58 PM
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#12
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Light Weight
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IP: A7FB FC4A
OOOOOOOOOOOOOH Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnn Dez.........Impressive shit Homey u still got the Juice................
Ghost Writerz FO LiFe.
__________________
<center> GhOsT - WrITeRZ ..Kidz I'll Cease to Spit 'Vowelz' An let the 'Eyez'-Inspect... Fools On My Dick I aSSur You I got Chrome that'll leave your body count high-in-debt... <center> |
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02-11-04, 06:20 PM
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#13
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New to RB
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IP: B42B 5008
ILLness...
feeling the structure, and you flipped the story well... overall solid rhyme... props.. peace -1- |
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02-11-04, 07:00 PM
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#14
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Guest
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IP: E754 E59D
wow man. Truly touching piece. I started reading it and it was all oright till i got to the end. THan i read it again and wow it was amazing. Everything was spot on and i swear it touches so deep. Propobly one of the best pieces i have read. Keep doing your thing man.
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02-12-04, 02:20 AM
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#15
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Guest
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IP: CC2C AC6F
candy
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