It wasn't a bad piece...best part was the emotion you showed in the piece which made kept me reading. Some decent imagery. But the vocab and wordplay wasn't that deep, also you seemed to changed the way it should be written to bars would rhyme, which actually took away from flow.
example:
Only thing left to do is try to be strong, so you Last
Help people when it hits, or you’ll be cursed, real Fast

keep elevating and the pieces will get better each time...
take time to check my piece "Floating Soul" out