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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
07-21-05, 03:17 PM
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#1
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New to RV
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Eyes Of The Cutter. ( Own Expeirence. )
IP: 4722 D2F8
*Eyes Of The Cutter*
Every night I see you I cant help but sigh and dream... As I paint the walls colorful with my silent screams... All this violence seems..to carry on..it just won’t end... Another cut made to ease the pain cause I’m broken… Leaving my clothes soaken..in a puddle of my blood… Veins ripping apart, more spews, I huddle as it floods… Thoughts crumble with a thud…I’m reaching the worst… Everything starts to fade…as I’m greeting the hearst… Cause my beatings aren’t heard…I only remain quiet… Enjoying the pain I inflict..with every single vein I slit… That claims my wrist…leaving behind scars of pain… Each one for different reasons…that mark its gain… I start to strain…over each scar that holds its place… A story for each one…that’s never told, its traced… It molds to grace…pleasurable…clearing my mind… Again and again I cut slow and deep hearing it grind… I’m steering so blind, going the wrong way, no guidance… Always the same excuse, it was a long day,…I guess… I got to stop this, so I sit down on my floors vinyl carpet… And take the razor to my throat to make the final scar slit…
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07-22-05, 12:27 AM
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#2
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Light Weight
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IP: 23D5 2B69
nice drop...yea...i been there 2 man..i used to cut...but i'm good now...'n' i hope that one day if ur not already done w/ it that u will be...but very good drop...good emotion..and good imagery...pce
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07-22-05, 10:04 AM
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#3
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New to RV
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IP: 4722 D2F8
Word yo, I'm done with that shit. Aint worth it.
Thanks for the feed yo. Upping.
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..Open Mics..
..Poems..
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07-22-05, 03:09 PM
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#4
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Rastafari Walk Tall
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IP: A308 56EE
Topic:nice title, but suicide , especially the method of u have chosen has been written about so many times its annoying and I rarely see anything new…not sure if this is true or not..fair nuff if it is…if not try and come with topics that will challenge reader.
Content:You pretty much described the suicide itself well..this was a relatively short piece, so you couldn’t go into reams of detail…this to me however was a lot of description and with suicide it would be real and interesting to know what narrator is thinking-feelin etc…also it felt more storrtelly than poetic description/explanation etc Structure:concise…poem flowed well…would be nice spoken word over an instrumental Imagery-meh……was all kinda obvious to me, I could imagine it, but it was jus like any old suicide for any old person, wasn’t personal enough or vivid enough, lacking greatly imo Emotion:commented bout this in content….suicide is a deep topic, are you crying while doing this/thinking of fam your leaving behind? Thinking of the reasons that have pushed you to this/ after-life/damnation/ etc etc ifinite things to describe narrators emotion…you had none Devices (metaphors/similies etc):your metaphors were real simple…no allegorical meanings (i.e cud mean that or cud mean something deeper)…There is no need for the elipsis’ (the 3 lil dots) all tha way through your verse  why are they there?, not particularily knowledged on what their technical use is but I find primarily there used to create pauses or trailing off thoughts….and theres no need for all these pauses…Problems:you proper english just for rhymes…this isn’t a topical its poetry yo..shit don’t have to rhyme: eg: I got to stop this, so I sit down on my floors vinyl carpet… And take the razor to my throat to make the final scar slit… Scar slit =  tom ethis just doesnt work...you could have worded it different and had a better effectImprove:add emotion, improve deepness,expand your ideas, do original stuff IF YA DNT LIKE MA FBAK….SUCK MA DICK…ITS MY OPINION YOU CAN CHOOSE TO LIKE IT OR NOT….. AS OF NOW ALL YOUR POSTS MUST BE ACCOMPANIED BY A FBAK LINK!!!!!
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"His Imperial Majesty Haile Selassie I, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, King of Kings of Ethiopia and Elect of God" Blog Graphic Designer, Illustrator, Web Designer Last edited by Acuity : 07-22-05 at 03:46 PM. |
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07-22-05, 03:26 PM
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#5
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Poet's Daughter.
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IP: FC96 8225
*Eyes Of The Cutter*
Every night I see you I cant help but sigh and dream... As I paint the walls colorful with my silent screams... All this violence seems..to carry on..it just won’t end... Another cut made to ease the pain cause I’m broken… -The 1st 2 Lines had some good vivid Imagery, the next 2 Lines had Emotion. Stop with the .. Leaving my clothes soaken..in a puddle of my blood… Veins ripping apart, more spews, I huddle as it floods… Thoughts crumble with a thud…I’m reaching the worst… Everything starts to fade…as I’m greeting the hearst… -Alright, had a vocab in here. Nice imagery. Ok emotion on this part Cause my beatings aren’t heard…I only remain quiet… Enjoying the pain I inflict..with every single vein I slit… That claims my wrist…leaving behind scars of pain… Each one for different reasons…that mark its gain… -Ahh Dope on this part, I loved the imagery and the emotion...My fav part throughout this whole piece so far. I start to strain…over each scar that holds its place… A story for each one…that’s never told, its traced… It molds to grace…pleasurable…clearing my mind… Again and again I cut slow and deep hearing it grind… -Loved the Imagery Once Again, had a good vivid Portrait between your words I’m steering so blind, going the wrong way, no guidance… Always the same excuse, it was a long day,…I guess… I got to stop this, so I sit down on my floors vinyl carpet… And take the razor to my throat to make the final scar slit… -Alright Decent Closet with the Imagery. -I say Upp on vocab and put more Emotion to it. I dont know what Acuity about "Scar Lit" But it's called "Slant Rhyme" If you didnt know. Anyway'z this was a decent piece of leaning toward Imagery, just upp on vocab and Emotion keep writing. Plz Leave a feedback on my Poem Called "3-Dagger'z Knife".
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mystery Is a Freak!! ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life. Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8 ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do. Smartone Freal:  ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged* |
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07-22-05, 03:36 PM
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#6
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pain is weakness leaving the body
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IP: 4673 04CC
Damn. My ex used to cut. I never really understood why people do that, but u did a good job expressin' your pain. Good imagery and emotion.
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 "I don't want to be deep... I want to feel deep and use that feeling to express depth itself..." -Konchance my poetry: untitled |
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07-24-05, 07:18 AM
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#7
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Light Weight
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IP: 38C1 F163
this was a relatively short peice so theres not much to comment on..the topic was kinda played but u still made a good poem out of it.....used good vocab and imagery....showed creativity...coulda been a little deeper with the metaphores but besides that i think it was great
8/10 keep droppin *uno |
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