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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
09-18-05, 05:49 AM
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#1
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Odi et Amo
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Concrete Blood
IP: 2AD8 B7B2
Concrete Blood
If pain reaches her seed, a mother's heart will always bleed Although they know it's their dear angel doing the evil deed He’s always out hustling, playing out all tricks up his sleeve But she refused to believe what eyes could clearly perceive Pretending he does what he can to be an independent man Yet when shit suddenly hit the fan was where trouble began Just as they were about to get lost in a dreamless slumber Shots were fired at their home, she even forgot the number She rapidly ran to his room to find the truth behind his lies But all she remembers seeing was caged rage in his eyes Ready for a raw revenge as he ferociously pumped his fist Yelling uncontrollably he regretted all jerks he had missed She followed after her son in a true lunatic craze to fatality What happened then is caught up in vague maze of reality As her horrified heart was racing, she’d tried to trace him But suddenly stopped the chasing, drama she was facing There he lay, in style and grace, his death never to erase Tears streaming down her pale face, craving his embrace In midst of a heat, she saw those hard facts of the street Blood slowly flowing between the cracks in hot concrete Ghetto by Lil C Usual Suspectz by IDH
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Authentik Intelligence  ...The future is mine... |
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09-18-05, 06:03 AM
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#2
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-BTR-
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IP: 28AD 5545
Damn this was hot.
Good vocab in this. Imagery was there due to your choice of words and how you worded everything. Hoping it was longer. First OM I enjoyed reading in a few months. Keep it up. Concept wasn't very original but that didn't matter cause you did a great job with it. |
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09-18-05, 06:23 AM
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#3
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Odi et Amo
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IP: 2AD8 B7B2
Thanks for the feed, it was for topical of 20 lines. I might edit it and make it longer soon though...
Appreciate the feed btw! 
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Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
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09-18-05, 10:15 AM
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#4
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Poet's Daughter.
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IP: A9BD 1141
Cool. The Title was good but the creativity you supported the Title wasn't good. I liked the imagery, like Implict said had good choice of words..Kinda didn't feel the emotion, So i'm assuming this was a quick key. Good vocab and all. Ditto.
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mystery Is a Freak!! ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life. Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8 ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do. Smartone Freal:  ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u Smartone Freal: ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged* |
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09-18-05, 01:30 PM
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#5
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Flyweight
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IP: E881 4964
I liked this peice right here.I think your style of writing is very similar to Lola-Cruz-II.Only thing is your flow is better than her's.In this peice,Ur flow was hot.My favorite bar was the 1st one cause in that 2nd line,the alliteration was dope.And alliteration is a rare thing nowadays.This peice is a great example of how internals benifit to flow.Good job.As for the content,the main concept was a 'lil cliche,but the way you did it was good enough for me.
Overall-8.9 |
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09-18-05, 07:10 PM
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#6
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Bringin The Rukas
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IP: 3240 794D
i like it good vocab should try to make itlonger though but good
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09-19-05, 01:11 PM
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#7
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Odi et Amo
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IP: D71E 7859
Thanks for feed y'all!
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Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
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