tthis was really good in my opinion with the vocab and all...i like seein the stuff u post man keep it up

you did good on this....

I think there was a typo, second last line. Shouldn't it be "upon us at last?" That's not really a problem though.

I don't see anything wrong with it, the concept is good and the many multis were executed well. It's dope. If I were to suggest anything at all, it would be to mix up the flow a little. It's not that important for a short piece like this, but a little switch up might be nice. Something like a call back rhyme, where, say you have 4 rhymes in two lines, the rhymes scheme is like this:

ABC blah blah blah blah DEF
blah DEF blah blah blah ABC

Then you might rhyme the start of the next rhyme with ABC again to blend it into the flow a bit more or whatever. You could also try having some unique inner-line rhymes... Rhyme scheme would go:

XY blah XY XY XY, ABC
DF DF blah blah DF ABC

Something like that anyway, if you get what I mean. I didn't explain it well. You probably knew those techniques already, but I think if anything could have spiced up this piece it's some slight flow variation.

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cool piece, good with the multies, and it all worked, wasn't just going with the rhyming.. would've been nice if it was longer, but i guess its hard with this style, but its not like the length took away from the piece at all.. good stuff, great closing lines too.. if i had to complain about anything, it was hard to read with the color, lol

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I apologize man, the way it looks on my screen is different than everyone elses. I just need to get the general concensus of what color is easiest to read.


And no, i could have gone on forever. It was just a quick keystyle to break out of my old niche in writing, and work towards a new one.

I appreciate the feedback though. stay up man.

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Time is not long, and indecision is hells cemment. So the well is rented, untill heaven is relevant. Untill then, to be eloquent, sex cells, so le'ts cellibate.

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