one way-i can definately see that your trying hard. Overall i think you show potential with topicals...i'm not sure if this is where its @ for you though, cuz your definately good @ text, I dont mean anything bad by saying that lol. Anyways back to this, you provide great imagery with the way you write. I think you have a good taste in the direction of your wording. BUT theres alot of points in your verse, where it just seems you focus on throwing in rhyme after rhyme. rather than actually having it together and making sense. Your forcing the image by forcing these multiple rhymes. Like having multi's is GREAT. especially in topicals, because it makes the piece a better read.
But you can't over do it. And when i say that, i dont mean that you need to cut back on your multi usage...or your choice of rhyme scheme. I'm just saying that you need to direct your rhymes. Make sure that everything your saying makes sense. Cuz @ one point your saying something....then you throw in that next rhyme. and it doesn't associate with the line before..or overall even with the piece.


alpha-Alot alot better than last week son. I definately seen a big improvement with yoour vocabulary. Like one, you show alot of emotion in your wording. That makes your imagery come out. I liked the the direction you took on the topic as well. It was something i wouldnt have expected. I think your scheme is great, you also had good multiple rhymes. But you used them well, and it all flowed nicely. and didnt come off forced.


v/alpha. just a better verse

please rtf. Mine and N's battle is up and ready as well. Thanks in advance

__________________

Let ME fiiiinnd ooout