This is my second time writing an open-mic....

I am trying to take on a new style so I want peoples opinions on this.........If you think its wack....tell me what to improve on etc.

If you think its dope........Great .....But please be honest

Uh,these sacred scriptures
Remain playin' in your brain like Holocaust pictures
Slayin' the airwaves with raps
Amplified by hater-stricture
Spittin' slick rhymes designed to quickly hit-ya
Leavin' ya disfigured like that Mister Mister
Blessed with an evil demeanor
That'd make the Grim Reaper
Jump outta his seat with fear from my lyrical-feature
Im Bringin' the heat from beneath ya
I guess that oughta teach ya
Not to fuck me,the evilest of elite creatures

It may seem unfinished but just give me your views on those 12 lines

Dont feel sad , it takes time before u recieve a feedback..........Anyways this piece was decent........Ur opening line was sick...Uh,these sacred scriptures
Remain playin' in your brain like Holocaust pictures
^^^^Tight as hell dawg............You had decent wordplay , your structure was nice , Some of your lines were creative......But you really lacked Vocabulary.........U need to elevate on that.......
Im Bringin' the heat from beneath ya
I guess that oughta teach ya
^^^Weak , I wasnt feeling that........I wasnt feeling the "ya" at the end...............The first line was tight , but the second line was kinda herbish......................Overall this was a tight piece...........And overall I give you a 7/10........

^^Thanks for your freedback.....but I actually do have an advanced vocab for my age....I just didnt use it in this piece....thanx for your feedback^^

wasn't feelin' it..jus bein honest, seemed simplistic -n- kinda newbie like...anyways, elevate..

O'kay O'kay

Bash said it straight...but also

...This was REALLY short...maybe to short too crit...I think some lines were like BLAH and i woulda made like 4 lines outta them

But i think you had some nice rhymes in this piece...Talking about 'advance vocab for your age'...How old are you...Just out of curiousity...

Pz

^Did you not read the begging of the thread?.He said it was his first or second time making a open mic,plus you've got like four posts.Anyway here is some feedback for ya man....
This was a decent piece like Bash said above,the line about The Haulocost was really creative.But your vocab was below level.Try some wordplay and some more metties,and try to format your verse a little better.There were some flaws in this open mic,like this one:

^^Weak like Bash said before.Plus you never want to end a line with the same word as before,it makes u seem like you have a small vocabulary and that your struggling on words.
Overall
it was a decent piece...keep dropping
1

ite i'm a set this straight for an open mic that was not the write shit, u hav to come out wid ur best shit to make the audience (us) like wat were reading ite, you need to come out wid some funny lyrics cause to me that was a bit boring to read, but every 1 likes different tings, u wanted a point of view and being honest.
pz blood

Think it's been established that this is't Rb legend material, HOWEVER it's alot better then some of the shit you seem floating about Open Mic.

It takes alot of time and effort to elevate to your full potential and seeing as this is only your 2nd attempt, you can't expect to be lyrically dope, and you don't think that you are, which is good.

"Uh,these sacred scriptures
Remain playin' in your brain like Holocaust pictures" - that was a dope line, honestly, it was good. You mentioned your piece and compared it to one of the worst events of mankind, not in the way like - this piece is the worst, like - your gonna remember this piece for generations to come..sorta thing...

Keep the "ya"'s down a bit...too many in there, if you use the same word to rhyme at the end of each sentance, looks like you are struggling with your rhyming abilities. But there was some tight multi-syllable rhyming and internals in there. You amde good comparisons to "Grim Reaper" etc.. in there, shows you can use Meta's.

"Not to fuck me,the evilest of elite creatures" - nice self-glorification there, but it seemed alittle unfinshed as you said.

Mos Def needs work, but i can't hold that against you, just keep rhyming and doing more open mics and your show your potential pretty soon, no deny your ability to win battles though

Keep reppin' tje Ireland, dosn't bother me North or Republic....lol
can you hit this up, cheers - http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=81471 - being slept on..

The guy that asked for my age....Im 13 years old

Thanx for all of your feedback.......And the last 2 lines....Im gonna be honest.....I scrolled that shit down just to get it finished quickly...lol...swear...What Im gonna do now is start over again and begin with those 2 lines.....But I would still appreciate feedback on this piece....my next verse will be better......

For those 12 lines I thought they where real dope, but they came off as too short for me to really get a good grasp on your writing, the first two lines where by far the dopest... good flow and rhyme scheme, it did indeed seemed unfinished, so if you deciede to add more to I'd be intresting to see if u can keep the same level of dopeness up throughout

I'll look out for your other piece Baz but i only asked for your age cuz i'm the average of rb..14...I don't think it comes across to well if your saying well i've got vocab blah blah for my age

Your not cocky tho...So i'll try and help you too elevate on your next piece...just add more content so people can judge more accurately...people like G.Hod are writing alot in open mics and Cam does sometimes...<Thats length by the way

G'luck on your next piece

Have a look out for the next piece.....it'll be posted before the night is over........

aight dude, i thought the post was aight. the vocab was pretty simple, the wordplay could be elevated, but it was ok. the content and topic were pretty good, the structure was good, the flow was on target for most of it, and i thought ur best lines were the first ones. good job, and ill be waitin for ur next peice, good luck.

peace.....