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10-11-03, 04:36 AM | #1 | |||||||
WarLord
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~Conceited I~
IP: B20F 67F7
Aight this kinda Concrete.......
May seem to walk like the blind, And talk like the deaf but yet - I am loving you from in me mind and loving you each moment more and smile in bliss but I regret: Me can not possibly let you know! What makes me hide a feeling deep For it did steal my comfort sleep and made me this which it must be the one of late I am;conceited me critism
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I Came Back Like Bustin Nuts On Spinal Chords Try Me Mofuckaz............ |
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10-11-03, 11:51 AM | #2 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: ECC6 D462
I dunno. The use of 'me' gave it a kind of personal and 'local' touch. But something seemed missing. Not that it was short as such, as i like short pieces.
Still, the first stanza was strong. It explained a fair bit. The last stanza was also good. You kept it flowing and on point. Though i felt you could've dropped slightly more substantial yet still subtle 'hints' of you being conceited. ..resp... |
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10-11-03, 03:32 PM | #3 | |||||||
WarLord
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IP: B20F 67F7
^^i like yo Honesty thanks
Upppun
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I Came Back Like Bustin Nuts On Spinal Chords Try Me Mofuckaz............ |
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10-11-03, 04:02 PM | #4 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 96FF 1751
i thought it was tight, a little short,but nice rhyme cheme,nice strucuture,and it stayed on point, over all nice drop.~1~
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10-13-03, 07:19 AM | #5 | |||||||
Flyweight
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IP: C1DA C961
it was a short piece but the word i think of when i think of this is
cute, not trying to offend you but it was okay for the shortness, it didnt really sound just like some crazy writing but it definately did not sound the same as others. I think the usage of me really made me not like it. I just dont know if it is poor grammar or that is just what you felt like putting. over all it was not that bad, next time just stretch it out a little more, put more content. Keep writing.
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<BR><h3><color=black><center><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=left LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 width=300>*~*~*Lady Wun*~*~*</MARQUEE></color></center></h3> <BR> <BR><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=up LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 height=100> <center><font color=000000><I>*~*~*~*~*</p>I'm invisible to the unseen eye</p>I'm undeniable strength</p>*~*~*~*~*~*</p>Merk Squad</MARQUEE></center><I> |
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10-13-03, 09:55 AM | #6 | |||||||
..Soft Focus..
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IP: 0115 91DB
short but sweet, some lines didnt really get me they seemed to be mis-used words...but it might have just b een me i'll give you an example..
I am loving you from in me mind and loving you each moment more that line was good but i thought the "me' should have been my, but iono lol...it sounds good i just thought it sounded better with my...but all in all great piece...and i was hopin you could critque my "Faight" poem...thanks amn peace
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Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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