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10-14-03, 09:43 PM | #1 | ||||
I Used To Pray
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please please please look at this peice, Roses Die
IP: 11C2 7E82
roses die
flash bangs in the corners, of my blacked out white fangs the night hangs, drifts over the light gangs, mood swangs(swings) bed covers pulled high, coverin up my face feel safe in a place, that aces couldnt escape missplaced, food for the mind im disgraced that the taste of my soul has left my throat chafed faith or not faith, like waste or no waste super glued with paste, im mostly held together by haste just in case, my mind gets chased footholds and starter guns i can run open mindedly, with the truth told lets start the harder fun girls lie, fireflys, pass on and roses die violets to, every thing remains true no need to try hide sometimes, in bed i lye, and you wonder why? i wanna die to the pleaser of my open crys i wanna fight off multiple beasts at night in the light i guide whats not treated right with nearsight, i controll the hands of time turn a tic tock to a tic tac and get charged of multiple crimes lost rhymes, shouled i express my self? lost times, light the candals on the shelf and now u feel what u felt, filth and worry about your health hard times have been dealt with, all i worry about is my self solid and hollow, listin and follow cape against my back, my words are not easy to swollow girls lie, fireflys, pass on and roses die violets to, every thing remains true no need to try hide sometimes, in bed i lye, and you wonder why? i wanna die to the pleaser of my open crys i once received a rose, petals were red, stem green i put in a vase and cared for it like seller to his pheens and yet it died, all beautiful things come to an end life can be over, no way out no unexpected bends u follow the trends of whats in u only get 1 life, and u decide not to sin perfect roses, complete with the thorns represents life, lovely life with its turns that leave ya torn an unborn child, living up to representation leading to guilt under certain situaions and the thorns puncture while ur soul ruptures corupted by a rose and its dead now, no cure for infedelity at a young age, things die things turn old remain strong, remain there, remain smart, remain bold girls lie, fireflys, pass on and roses die violets to, every thing remains true no need to try hide sometimes, in bed i lye, and you wonder why? i wanna die to the pleaser of my open crys
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10-15-03, 04:36 AM | #2 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 19AF 50C1
NICE POETIC STANZA BUT I LOST THE FULL MEAning
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10-15-03, 04:45 AM | #3 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 96FF 1751
nice piece, you kinda had an eyedea type rhyme scheme goin on, u lost point on what you were writin, other than that this piece wasnt that bad, nice vocab, needs more multis, other than that ill piece.keep elevatin.~1~
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10-15-03, 04:50 AM | #4 | ||||||
BANNED
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IP: E22F 7937
yeah fo real tat was good poetic structure but the meaning i lost but still very good shit dawg the vocab was good so keep postin ur shit
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10-15-03, 07:40 PM | #5 | ||||
I Used To Pray
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IP: 11C2 7E82
thanx for the replys, well the meaning of this is basicly life
ill break it down 1st verse - you deal with things that everyone else deals with and u make it through it hint the line "bed covers pulled high, coverin up my face feel safe in a place, that aces couldnt escape" you will end up dealin with things 2nd verse - things that can happen and things you wanna do 3rd verse - basicly lays it out on why a rose represents life the corus - self explainatory i plan on editing this peice to make it better thanx for peepin it
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10-15-03, 07:51 PM | #6 | ||||||
Banned
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IP: 494D 26E7
MAn i really liked that shit man u done it dis time im waitin to hear more from u man and doo please keep elevating even tho ur already good
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10-18-03, 04:18 PM | #7 | ||||
I Used To Pray
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IP: E6E3 0046
still uppin for feedback
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10-20-03, 08:19 PM | #8 | |||||||
Light Weight
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IP: F19F D969
That's very floetic, I don't see many pieces like this in open mic, so props for being unique. Good piece all in all. Stay active fam. One+
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10-20-03, 08:53 PM | #9 | |||||||
BANNED
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IP: 1D88 5276
yo nice piece. real good flow on the verses and i liked how u maintained one rhyme the whole time in each verse. sounded like a cool steam of conciousness type poetic piece like just sayin wahteva ya felt like saying...maybe thats why that dude ^ above didnt get a straight up meaning or point. i just think it had a vibe to the whole thing. one constructive critizism is that the rhymes in the chorus were kind of elementary but it still sounds tight. good job dawg. peace
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10-21-03, 01:13 AM | #10 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 19AF 50C1
YP FAM THIS WAS A GREAT READ AND POETIC CONCEPT MIXED WITH TRUE LYRICISM MADE THIS A WONDERFUL READ THAT LEAVES WANTING TO SEE MORE FROM YOU
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10-21-03, 05:25 AM | #11 | |||||||
1E
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IP: 6F9E F23B
i agree that in most respects, this was a decent drop, but i agree that the message or point behind it was a bit hazy, dunno really what you were trying to put across........but in most aspects it was nice.....good read.....peace to ya!
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10-21-03, 06:21 PM | #12 | ||||
I Used To Pray
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IP: 31EC 634D
thank u for feedback
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10-25-03, 05:34 PM | #13 | ||||
I Used To Pray
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IP: 31EC 634D
thats like the most feedback ive ever received on a peice, i feel a tear coming on
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