I got a beautiful wife, two kids and a dog,
So i had to kill them,
cause this aint the life i wanted at all//
I wanted a life that involved me holding a gat,
involved me holding a mic and busing my raps//
It involve me getting multiple platinum plaques,
something to tell my grandchildren in the future about//
But i guess thats fucked as well, cause i jus shot up my kids,
Regretting it now thinking, 'maybe it was a bad idea'//(whoops)
O well. guess i'll get more where those cunts came from,
Get a bitch, fuck her up the clit with no condom on//(Ha ha)
So i'mma criminal and a serial killer at that,
for murdering more than two people,
with my 45. calibur gat//
Now for the faint hearted you should close this thread right now,
Coz u'll get sick by what i say, cause its so fucking foul//
Psych!! U better keep this thread open u bitch,
I wanna see you throw up your guts,
coz it gives me a stitch//
You see i get amused when people throw up, coz of my raps,
Gives me a certain pleasure only i can attain, like when i'm squeezing my gat//
Next, this is how i bumped off my wife,
so to cut a long story short,
i'mma tell you in only four lines//
I dragged that slut by the hair, across the room
Put a pillow over her face, pulled the trigger and boom!//(Oh shit)
Killed that slut quicker then O.J killed his fucking wife,
but i dont care if i go prison, coz i fucking hate life//
Now the dog, that was jus for my sickening fun,
shot the bastard 13 times, jus to learn how to use my gun//
Now the stories unfolded, and i've told u how i killed my family,
Maybe like 'Jack the ripper' i wont get caught,
maybe i'll keep doing my killing spree//
Apart from killing, i'mma keep writing my raps,
until i'mma shoot myself, with my own gat//
So say what you want motherfuckers, i dont give a shit,
I write my rap rhymes for me, fuck what you think//

yo could i get some feedback. cheers.

it had lots of emotion kinda mess up some parts doidnt make sence but you did have lots of emotion and i was gettin into yeah verse but kinda sketching at sometimes but other than that you did good

uppin for more feedback

nice drop...keep ya head held high

thanks for the feedback can i get some more plz.cheers

come on give feedback ppl

wud appreciate if ppl wud hit this rhyme.
this is the whole point of open mic.

^ It would help if you replied to other peoples..

.. this wasnt that good, basic story telling .. flow was off for me for the most part, most lines needed rewording, the writers voice wasnt really there and your transition left a lot to be desired to be honest with you

^ Err .. so you kill your family because you dont like how your life's going? Sure. That sounds sensible..

Strayed away from the topic like woah.. and you were trying to say your a wannabe gangster rapper? Oh, and Plaques / about do not rhyme = /

You shot them THEN thought it was bad idea? please .. that was worded horrdly, again, Kids / idea - how DO they rhyme?[/quote]

Ehhhhhh, really poor transition / storytelling, one syllable rhyming was too basic, wording is off and makes the flow seem too rigid

^ Totally off the topic, writers voice seems to of skipped completly between telling the reader about your life and you killing kids to telling us to close the thread, wtf?! That was god awful .. seriously..dont make transitions like that in open mic pieces..

^ Again, what does that have to do with the topic of killing your wife and kids and your life being bad? Just makes you seem like your some wannabe gangster thug to me ..

Transition again was awful with how you switched back to about your wife, and your going to tell it me in four lines? I should fucking hoipe so, you wasted at least twelve lines on stuff not even relating to the fucking topic, lol ..

The pillow had a trigger attached to it that made it go bang? dope..

you realise .. even if you went to prison, you'd still be alive, so that wouldnt solve anything. You'd still be alive, just locked up = /

loosely related to the topic at hand i suppose, transition was awful though and flow was off, seems a bit stupid shooting the dog as practice, you'd think you'd actually know how to use one before buying one *shrugs*

Again, transition sucked, writyers voice was ehhhhh, word choice was poor, similie was kind of old and your character had only killed once - so i wouldnt exactly call that a 'spree' = /

First two lines seemed pointless, just strung together for the sake of it with basic one syllable rhyming and little thought puyt behind them, second couplet was off topic like woah .. you dont care what i think, yet you posted it for replies? ironic eh .. i wasnt feeling this at all, figured id reply though to gove you some idea of the bad points


hope you enjoyed it. = )

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W o r d P e r f e c t

Damn, I Enjoyed Cams Reply More Then The Piece Itself, Pathetic
Kids Piece- 3.1/10
Cams Reply- 8.9/10
Vote- Amend

Certainly a " sick rap " the lyrics where alright could work on em a lot but , if it was only a quick one i can appreciate it aint marvellous init.

dont delete my posts, moron.

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W o r d P e r f e c t

I think cam said it all in just his one reply. the fact that u kept using the word gat over and over again in ur piece kinda aggravted me it keeps the piece way to simple try to mix things up a bit with different words not juss the same thing over again. ur flow was bad and structure could use some work along with your rhyme scheme. that's all I got to say really. juss take cam's advice on all the bad points here and juss work on those. peace.

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<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

<center>Corrupted Visions</center>

<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>Giving Sight A Third Eye</table></center>