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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
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09-26-05, 02:18 PM
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#1
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1926
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"Pandora's Box"
IP:
A toxin tiptoes the hallow walkway of this placenta,
feeding it's disease to all that is natural and pure. A mother not infecting yet being infected. This backward cloud of smog choking her love, before falls a seed of curiosity... .......................bare and nude this infant of sin lives on. Starry Eyed innocence lifts its gentle covers. Only to be ripped of its disguise as vulnerability meets it's bane, and tries with all his might to grip that which is good. But then humanity becons, blown a soft kiss from a whore. The Devils Dance gaining pace around this young ones soul. As a Square Dance to a Waltz, Waltz to a Run, Before these circles singe the earth and a mother screams. Beginning to tear as her once child sits the star of this One Ringed Circus. Newly set free of its womb, legs still trembling, a Mothers child takes its first steps into the depths of Pandora's Box. ... 25 Years Later. Mother... He is your Boy nevermore. He is a Man, who knows not of his lineage but only the industry. A Bastard in his own mind, fathered by Lonely. And... A Mother Weeps for her Failure. With every Drop forms another Skyscraper to immortalize her Pains. Now a lost soul strives for progression, Raping the Land. Attacking his own Mother, Ripping away each Strand of Hair. He knows not of his victim's Relation, rather only progression. He Coats her Beauty with a Concrete Kiss and says Good-bye, as the Rats are set free to roam Ravage his Creation, and Foam binds itself about his lips from his labors... As he Spits... and forever Exiles his Mother under a Layer of Black Tar. ... 30 Years Later. Booming industry has turned for the worst, as the Once Innocence Fathers a Ghetto. Sits in a Picture Window with Eyes Wide Shut as the Rats become their own worst Nightmares. The Boy's concrete cage now Flaws on every turn, Only to be Plastered with a Layer of Black Tar Heroin. A Tear frees itself from a Shell and Screams on its way down. The Boy kneels and finds himself this puddle, something Familiar yet so very Unidentifiable. Look up once again to see the Rats laying in the Streets. That who has been Birth of a Land has Destroyed a People. As the Skies Open up and Pour, a Mother does her best to wash our Sins away. Last edited by Atticus : 09-26-05 at 02:36 PM. |
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09-26-05, 06:40 PM
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#2
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New to RV
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IP:
 WHY MUST YOU KEEP REINFORCING YOUR POETIC SUPERIORITY? I'll be dropping someone in a bit. What is there to say? Dope. I'd put this in my pants if it wasn't for me having all your other pieces in there.
__________________
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.....Get Soulclapped, E-Style..... t |
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09-27-05, 03:18 PM
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#3
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1926
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IP:
Lol, Thanks For The Feedback Man.
... And If You Do Poetry, Get Your Ass Signed Up For The Poetry League. We Need More Heads For That. |
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09-27-05, 04:55 PM
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#4
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New to RV
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IP:
Er...I run the poetry league, fool.
__________________
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.....Get Soulclapped, E-Style..... t |
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09-27-05, 05:06 PM
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#5
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1926
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IP:
???,
Unless You're K.S.'s Alias, No You Dont. |
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09-27-05, 05:13 PM
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#6
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New to RV
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IP:
Unless I'm Daemon's alias, yes I do.
__________________
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.....Get Soulclapped, E-Style..... t |
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09-27-05, 05:38 PM
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#7
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Bann The Deed NOT The Breed
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IP:
like he said ur the best poetry head on the site enxt is mentalz
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  O.Y.D. |
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09-27-05, 05:48 PM
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#8
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The Topical Juggernaut
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IP:
I dont know about all that Will
 Atty this piece was dope as fuck. This line stood out just for the sheer imagery it produced for me: "A Tear frees itself from a Shell and Screams on its way down." You have some nice fuckin' lines all around in this piece man, good job. I liked the plot in this, the scheme was pretty good too. Overall the emotion pierced my mind the most. Dope. Of course there are a few areas you could improve on, but if you were so dope as to drop the perfect piece day in and day out you wouldnt be dropping it on RV's forums, you'd be signing autographs. Haha. If anything i'd say work on focusing on specific ideas instead of using such a broad landscape. When you have to many subjects in such a short piece, your skill gets skewed and it doesnt come across as well as it COULD HAVE. Nice job fams. Stay up.
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Blow It - Topical -=Respect List=-
Crhyme Sindicate  The unexamined life is not worth living.
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09-27-05, 05:52 PM
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#9
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Geaux Fuck Yourself
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IP:
This was fucking dope as fucking fuck. So dope... that I actually felt compelled to say something polite about it. Dopeness.
Only thing you could work on is glorifing me more  Keep up the good work sir.
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King of Missouri I Fucked Mack's Mom. And I Liked It. -[p-S-a]- 2003-2009 Quote:
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09-27-05, 07:41 PM
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#10
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A Life Of Chryme
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IP:
yo man this was tight, i felt the verse to its fullest extent....you are simply the dopest poet on the site hands down.........good vocab, good emotion, good imagery...etc. etc. not much more to say other than 9.9/10 man....seriously sick......rtf/ on a battle or something....peace man
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A LIFE OF CHRYME |
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10-03-05, 06:16 AM
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#11
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1926
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IP:
Thanks Alot Everyone,
I Apreciate The Feedback. |
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10-03-05, 06:44 AM
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#12
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HAHAHAHAH!..i onno
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IP:
Exquizite(Sp?), Beautiful peice Atty, i love the vocab, the emotion was hella sick, the imagery was sickening,....none less, one of your dope concepts, just dope...
plz peep "My Life Vol.1..."
__________________
GFX Record 52-8-39KO  |
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10-03-05, 07:05 PM
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#13
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R.I.P
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IP:
IMO, It was alright, I mean, it was very well written, but I think the message wasn't presented clrearly, nor the concept of the poem. It could have been more decriptive, but then again, imagery wasn't a big deal for this poem, but I also felt it lacked emotion. You had a good use of vocab, you didn't just have a nice vocab you also it proparly. The metaphors/similies were good. Nice oxymoran you used in there also
 Anyways, that's what were the pro's and cons of the poem, I didn't think it was AMAZING, but it was good nevertheless. So uh, ya.
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Last edited by Jack The Ripper : 10-05-05 at 09:14 PM. |
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10-05-05, 08:44 AM
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#14
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Black Poet
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IP:
Sup Att this was dope fams was really feeling this, stay up and keep
writing your dopeness. 1~ |
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10-05-05, 08:52 AM
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#15
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1926
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IP:
Havent Seen You In A While Fams,
Thanks For The Feedback, And Get At Me Some Time. |
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