he has trouble getting passed his ugly past
his own life trespassed him, hard to compare and contrast
what's going on with this life
strifes for high but ends up a lowlife so he reaches for his jackknife
his mind is way off course
forced straight into the source of his only friend remorse
he thinks it's him that his own life's looking down on him
hanging high on the rim, he's inches from falling off the limb
he's a victim for being a prisoner to himself
so oneself shoves his whole future into somebody else's shelf
his own mind died down
he's a thumbs-down, his muscles shutdown as his body clampsdown
he's just a clown that's gone a lot wacky
his eye sight's blurry because his tears running out fiercely
he tries so hard to try to get control of his problem
but his ignorace gets the better of his wisdom
now he's living below the bottom of his own scrotum
the volume of his own welcome kills him like it was a snake's venom

I LIKE IT A LIL SHORT BUT WORDPLAY AND DESCRIPTIVE CONTENT I LIKE THAT ALOT

Yo I liked the wordplay and flow in this. It was descriptive like Word Perfect said which is a good point.
It woulda been better if more emotion went into it. I wasnt really feelin that this subject was personal to you. It seemed like you just put what came into your head down. Thats my opinion anyway...other people might disagree.
Overall...good word but could be improved. 6/10

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HARRY R.I.P
1940 - 2002

In Respect

he has trouble getting passed his ugly past
his own life trespassed him, hard to compare and contrast

POETIC AND GRAPHIS RELATIVE TO ANY READER SO YOU GOT THE ATTENTION.

what's going on with this life
strifes for high but ends up a lowlife so he reaches for his jackknife
his mind is way off course
forced straight into the source of his only friend remorse
he thinks it's him that his own life's looking down on him
hanging high on the rim, he's inches from falling off the limb
he's a victim for being a prisoner to himself
so oneself shoves his whole future into somebody else's shelf

AGAIN VERY RALATIVE TO ANY PERSON GOING THROUGH STRIFE INCOUNTERING THE SILIQUIY WITHIN.

his own mind died down
he's a thumbs-down, his muscles shutdown as his body clampsdown

DIDNT LIKE THE REUSE OF DOWN IN THIS BAR.

he's just a clown that's gone a lot wacky
his eye sight's blurry because his tears running out fiercely

DOESNT FIT RHYME......

he tries so hard to try to get control of his problem
but his ignorace gets the better of his wisdom
now he's living below the bottom of his own scrotum
the volume of his own welcome kills him like it was a snake's venom

MAKES ALOT OF SENCE BUT FALLOWS A VERY WEAK RHYME STRUCTURE .

IT WAS AN ILL READ LIKE I SAID BUT NEEDS IMPROVMENT SWITCHING FROM ABSTRACT AND BASIC RHYME IS HARD ENOUGH BUT MAKING IT OBVIOUS MAKES IT EASY TO CRITIQUE NEGATIVE.YOU GOT TALENT THATS OBVIOUS JUST BRUSH UP A LIL BIT.

Nice wordplay and the way you descrive shyt is tight. Keep it up~

7/10
man, this piece was pretty dope
only thing is, is that it seems to get worse as you go along
try to put as much effort into the end as you did the beginning
it would be really nice
keep postin'

good shit

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HOLSTER

It was straight, you could use more vocab and more wordplay. I think anything is good, as long you put your mind into it. So keep elevaten, and go people my flow. It is hot...

PEACE

-High Class a.k.a Confusion

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