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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
10-16-05, 04:45 PM
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#16
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A Life Of Chryme
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IP: 0825 899A
thanks for the honest feed, i see wut ur seeing, atleast u gave me a visual.....uppin
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A LIFE OF CHRYME |
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10-17-05, 06:24 PM
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#17
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1926
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IP: 3240 794D
*Shrugs*
I Dont Know Myst, This Was Kind Of A Toss Up For Me. First Off, This In No Way Is A Poem ... Fucking Idiots. It's A Topical Piece With Basic Flow. Ok, You Had Good Imagery Man, Definately The High Point Of This Piece. You Painted Very Vivid Pictures And That Was On Point. Stoyline Fallowed Nicely. Except One Section You Kind Made To Much Of A Leap... Going From Sick Day-Right Into Scuba Shit. So To Me It Was Just Kinda Like, Whoa, Where That Midway Content. The Emotion In This, Eh... Like I Said Imagery Was On Point. I Think You Got Alittle Caught Up In That And Forgot Emotion. Cuz It Was There, But You Didnt Go Into Deph About It. The Concept Itself... I Dont Really Know What GL Was Talking About, I Havent Really Seen This Done Before. But When I Was Reading I Was Expecting Something To Happen, And When It Didnt I Liked That Cuz It Wasnt Predictable ... But The Thing You Came Up With Didnt Better Mine So I Was Kinda Disapointed. I Thought You Were Going To Go With The Poetic Death, And Have The Grandfather Die While He's Scuba Diving. And While Basic That Has A Big Impact And Gets You Emotion Points. Last Thing, Structure... Next Time Try And Break It Up A Big. That Was Just Like 30+ Lines Straight Forward, Its Alittle Much For Most To Take In A Single Sitting You Know? You're Deffinately Growing Alot As A Writer Though, Stay Up And Keep Elevating. |
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10-17-05, 07:18 PM
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#18
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A Life Of Chryme
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IP: 28AD 5545
thanks for the honest feed, uppin tihs
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A LIFE OF CHRYME |
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10-19-05, 11:33 PM
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#19
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Guilty Of Chryme
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IP: 3240 794D
Nice read..
I thought the concept of death and destiny was a lil' played.. but other than that this was a pretty dope piece. It would of upped it if you would have included multies tho... I liked your vocab. it was deep, and the imagery was very nice aswell. Good piece. If you can return the favor on this - http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=211798 P's. |
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10-20-05, 05:13 AM
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#20
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Banned: Biting
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IP: 9632 CA47
COT DAYUM that shit was illest of ill ...
Best line: Cremated he will be his ashes to symbolize his true love of ocean Quitley dumping them in myself no room for noise or commotion |
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10-20-05, 09:01 AM
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#21
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Within Eternity's Wither
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IP: 0825 899A
Well Mr. Mystic we kinda didn't start out on the right foot so lets get off the left and try again i aint look'n for beef with nobody on this site i had enough of that on others fo less
agreed? well this was a very poetic piece but i dont really care where you post something it can still be critique for the simple fact that this is a writing based on a topic no matta how its worded..........nothing really has to rhyme to make sense or be good thas jus my opinion but this was a good piece vocab could've been betta in some areas, i like the wordplay you added with your imagry, a very emotional but played topic but still it was a good piece i enjoyed reading it good luck on future drops RTF on the OMs in my sig...............
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crhyme sindicate
Open Mic Hall Of Famer |
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10-20-05, 07:20 PM
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#22
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A Life Of Chryme
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IP: BEDD A14B
no doubt ya'll, let me rtf right now...uppin
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A LIFE OF CHRYME |
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