ok theres a scottish man an english man and an irish man (meant to all be stupid) and they are captured by tha germans in a war,they are told they can get anything as there final wish bfore they are executed,so tha englishman asks for enuff alcohol to last for a month,tha scottishman asks for drugs to last him a month,and tha irishmn asks for enuff cigarettes to last a month,anyways 2 weeks later tha germans go check on tha hostages,they look in tha englishmans cell and he's drank himself to death,they check tha scot's and he has over dosed and is also dead,then they check on tha irishman and he say "Got a light"

a little boy runs into the house and says"momy can little girls have babys"and the mom says"no of course not"

so the little boy runs back outside and says "its ok we can play that game again

whats 6 inches long 2 inches wideand thrills women


money

how did dairy queen get pregnant?

burger king forhot to wrap his wopper

a stoner walks out of a party and and starts walking home


on the way there he runs into a man who is all bloody

so the guy drags himeself to the stoner and says"call me an ambulance" and the stoner think for a sec smiles and says"ur an ambulance"

although hes a knobhead, we really need some more kgm jokes in this thread again

Heres one for the Wanker aka. MRB

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a
huge crowd. Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all
before.

To make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the Pope, "Did
you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every
English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him.

Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from
every English person in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a frock and hat
worse than his, considers what he could do. "Your Majesty, that was
impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand
I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy
will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will
go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and
rejoice."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your
hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So, the Pope slapped her.

__________________
<center>The Internet Sucks!</center>

HANDY-WOMAN FOR HIRE!

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the
owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave
it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a
Lexus."

__________________
<center>The Internet Sucks!</center>

A modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes ma'am," said the clerk. "I'm quite certian that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille," she replied.

A real tough guy dies and goes to hell, well he tells Satan that it won't be all that bad, and thinks hell's all a joke. So Satan tells the demons to turn the thermostat way up, and lock him up for three days.
After three days Satan goes to check up on him, but he says,''I live in the Midwest and many summer weekends are hotter than this.''

So Satan tells the demons to turn the temp erature all the way up, and to leave him in for six weeks.

So after six weeks, Satan goes to check up on him, but he says ''I grew up in the Midwest and I can remember dryspells that were hotter and longer than this.''

Well, this really gets to Satan, so he tells the demons to turn the temperature all the way down, and leave him in for six months.

After six months, Satan goes to check up on him, and he is sitting there shivering, asking,, ''What happened? Did the Cubs win the pennant?"

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by pointing to her eye , grabbing her left breast, slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs.
"What? What was that?"

"Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

whats so good about Justin Timberlake wantin to be a wannabe Michael Jackson????????????

He's already white

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly one day so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. That day her husband also comes home unexpectedly, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here"
The Lover says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball"
Lover: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Lover: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside"
Lover: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$25."
In the next few weeks, it happens again and the boy and the lover find themselves in the closet together again.
Boy: "Dark in here"
Lover: "Yes, it is"
Boy: "I have a baseball mitt."
The Lover remembering the last time, he asks, "how much?"
Boy: "$75"
Lover: "Fine"
A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball around."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."
Father: "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$100"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church for confession." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up
to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but
rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the
water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly
toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond
and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond
and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over
the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a
truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a
shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out
onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way
to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a
lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped
up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an
eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over
the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which
bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

Bubba and Jimmy Joe

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy, Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya,
but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!"