Topic: Waste of time

yup

Just drop with a week.

die

check ...

and for the sake of legitamicy:
Check In's due - Monday, October 16th at Midnight
Verses due - Friday, October 20th at Midnight

Much Luck To You!

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I really worked hard on that.....glad i made it this far.......Good Luck Atticus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~ Sin

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June: 13th, 1983, Moving Day
This charming house has a hollow heart beat,
benieth it's screams and swollows are deeds
scared in wood grain with meat hooks - barbed feet -
bleeding hands that accentuate a face of dark means.
The blackest shadows seem to lead - although,
the sillohettes still search for hands to follow;
hours spill across summer frosted window sills,
something isn't well here ... it's home still-
someone was forggotten in hell's ear ketchum kill em' - ketchum kill em'

June: 15th, 1983, Day 3
*cough*
It's fucking freezing, the ducts just aren't feeding;
I've spent the past three days adjusting our heating
but i can't understand why the ducts suck air in
... but never carry the gust out, it's as if it's breathing.
I'll just burn this timber, lingering by the furnace
filling it's belly as the house whispers words in - ketchum kill em' - ketchum kill em'

June 15th, 1983, Night 2
STOP! ... touching my back, i feel you, STOP! should -
should I go back up stairs STOP! morewoodmorewoodmorewood
- keep the house warm, you're the man, provide warmth,
they're shivering, is your hand ready? PILE MORE!
You don't need sleep, sleep is simply for the weak,
it's - it's 3:15, you've gotten plenty of rest, no more sleep ketchum kill em' - ketchum kill em'

June 16th, 1983, Day 4
I've felt sick since the moment we moved in,
it's this house, i know it now, i knew it -
I knew it then too, this house isn't true.
Atleast we're going out tonight, i need to get out.
I need a break from this house rechid house!

June 16th, 1983, Night 3
I'LL FUCKING KILL HIM! I'LL KILL HIM!
Crazy son of a bitch, this family will sit -
and watch me dissaplin him, sip my fists!
Another night ruined, RUINED! it's gone,
I was finally starting to kick the sickness along.
Spoiled fucking bratts, these kids will learn respect,
I'll teach them, I'll teach them until they earn a breath.

June 17th, 1983, Day 5
CHOP THAT WOOD FAT ASS!
You want to ruin my night? hold that

"I- I can't!"

Are you- are you ... crrrrrying?
there's no crying, no when there's so little time ketchum kill em' - ketchum kill em'

June 17th, 1983, Night 4
getmorewoodgetmorewood, fucking kids -
need to be punished, punish the kids,
punish the kids, ketch the kids, ketch em'
ketch em', ketch em' kill em' - ketch em' kill em'


ketch em' kill em' - ketch em' kill em'
don't waist the hour - ketch em' now
kill em' the hour is running down -
don't waist time - time is runnind down -
intheheadintheheadinthehead

KETCH EM' KILL EM'!

just for a footnote or whatever, 3:15 is said to be the hour that the devil is free to roam and what not - basically the "evil" hour by historical term.

Atticus: Reminds me of the Shining. Did you have that in mind? I like the first paragraph, but the rest lacks the imagery of your other pieces. Sure it's decent, but after the first four lines it just becomes kind of boring. I think the scariness lift when you started to say 'Ketchem'. Ash Ketchum, Pokemon Catcher! It read like a poem-version of The Shining, and there wasn't much imagery. Why is he angry at the kid? Because he has to provide too much for them? This could've benefitted a lot from better imagery. It just seemed predictable and no lines caught me as being innovative.

Loosenuse(it's spelt noose, by the way): I don't really like the way people feel the need to load their pieces with repetitions of the suffix -ion, and it seemed to me you found the rhyme first and then slapped the words before it to make a sentence. There are errors that take away from the piece: random capitalization that detracts me from getting into the story, some messed up grammar. Also, check your PM, man. Didn't really get into your piece that well...

I'll have to come back in a bit and re-read when I'm not so tired, but I think I'm leaning toward nuse.

lol it's written about the Amittyville Horror, it's a movie and actual event. the house was built over a satanic minister or whatevers basement, where this guy with the last name Ketchum use to capture native americans and torture them for satanic purpose. so the house was haunted and it drove this one guy crazy and he shot every member of his family in the head with a shotgun while they were sleeping, and he said voices told him to do it

I know my vote wouldnt matter so ill Critique real quik.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Nine To Five


Alarm Clock: Beep Beep Beep Beep!




Clock Of Atomic Distortion, ......Eternal Cosmic Dimension,
the seperation of the 2 statements are completly irrelavent
Blurring by vision. ....Divine To Internal Progression
so God is bluring his vision?
The Frenzy of External Devotion, Now longer, a Manic Submission,
A Pricless Premotition Of Time Frozen ...A Superfical Eviction
The Cold wind, ill depriving Twists Deception, Uncompromising
Refuse to subside Possesses my thoughts In anguish Im lying
Standing In line waitng.. It's raining my bus is late
^^^Did you lose ur thesaurus 4 this line?
A Man Came To Me With Insight & Vaugely He Began To Debate
this whole section was really off key from eachother =\



[The Man]
Behold the one's Life damned In caverns of despair
Mind infested with hate of his death be aware
if hes damned to caverns of despair he wouldnt die 2 be damned...
Break And Throw Away The Curse That Rewrites Your Life
From The daze of fear,To The Great shrine of light
ummm?


[Sin]
You're a financial wizard, a top tycoon,
A sweet lounge lizard, with a silver spoon,
Forsee There's Alot Of Weight On This Belt
........"Time is the essence of fear, Fear Is The Time Itself".............

[Sin]
In order that we avoid the aftermath of separation
Returning to the original paths purpose of creation
Who will cry for help once when there's no escape
At Stake A Eternal reward for the life you embraced
Heart is beating fast time is standing still
The dice's in my hand the ultimate thrill
There's no fucking way to escape my pure evil
Carefully thought out this technical procedure

[The Winter Snow Begins To Melt]

[The Man]

Peeling off his coat again winter turns and goes to rest
Birds encircle treetops green summer brings the final test
It's never as it seems People laugh and smile and say
The flowing of the silver streams no day is as beautiful as today
But Fear Of Wealth Will Shurley Shelf In a Poor Mans Blog
But What a nice job Of a Thee One Un-stopable Digital God


~Sinnister Has A Premonition~


Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc Tic Toc.....Sin Throws His Watch In The Trash
And Leaves The Bus Stop..........

Overall...Simply put....you cant go from very complex vocab to simple daily chit chat....it throws your verse off balance and ruins it To be honost....i didnt even bother to read rest for the fact you cant keep me focused on what your saying....Try to stay on track next time instead of being all over the map.


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June: 13th, 1983, Moving Day
This charming house has a hollow heart beat,
benieth it's screams and swollows are deeds
scared in wood grain with meat hooks - barbed feet -
bleeding hands that accentuate a face of dark means.
The blackest shadows seem to lead - although,
the sillohettes still search for hands to follow;
hours spill across summer frosted window sills,
something isn't well here ... it's home still-
someone was forggotten in hell's ear ketchum kill em' - ketchum kill em'
I dont like your structure but i do understand your words here the first bar explains the scene your describing pretty well if you know the amyitville story.

June: 15th, 1983, Day 3
*cough*
It's fucking freezing, the ducts just aren't feeding;
I've spent the past three days adjusting our heating
but i can't understand why the ducts suck air in
... but never carry the gust out, it's as if it's breathing.
I'll just burn this timber, lingering by the furnace
filling it's belly as the house whispers words in - ketchum kill em' - ketchum kill em'
you went from poetical to gangster rapper inbetween verse's, not really feelin that much.

June 15th, 1983, Night 2
STOP! ... touching my back, i feel you, STOP! should -
should I go back up stairs STOP! morewoodmorewoodmorewood
- keep the house warm, you're the man, provide warmth,
they're shivering, is your hand ready? PILE MORE!
You don't need sleep, sleep is simply for the weak,
it's - it's 3:15, you've gotten plenty of rest, no more sleep ketchum kill em' - ketchum kill em'
Lost me completly here

June 16th, 1983, Day 4
I've felt sick since the moment we moved in,
it's this house, i know it now, i knew it -
I knew it then too, this house isn't true.
Atleast we're going out tonight, i need to get out.
I need a break from this house rechid house!
keeping the story flowing

June 16th, 1983, Night 3
I'LL FUCKING KILL HIM! I'LL KILL HIM!
Crazy son of a bitch, this family will sit -
and watch me dissaplin him, sip my fists!
Another night ruined, RUINED! it's gone,
I was finally starting to kick the sickness along.
Spoiled fucking bratts, these kids will learn respect,
I'll teach them, I'll teach them until they earn a breath.
Bringing the violent side of the story out pretty adbruptly, hopefully this will build up to a climax and not go downhill before so.

June 17th, 1983, Day 5
CHOP THAT WOOD FAT ASS!
You want to ruin my night? hold that

"I- I can't!"

Are you- are you ... crrrrrying?
there's no crying, no when there's so little time ketchum kill em' - ketchum kill em'
...whats he wanting him to hold? and is he talking to his child or is a spirit talking 2 him...try to be more descriptive.

June 17th, 1983, Night 4
getmorewoodgetmorewood, fucking kids -
need to be punished, punish the kids,
punish the kids, ketch the kids, ketch em'
ketch em', ketch em' kill em' - ketch em' kill em'



[3:15]

ketch em' kill em' - ketch em' kill em'
don't waist the hour - ketch em' now
kill em' the hour is running down -
don't waist time - time is runnind down -
intheheadintheheadinthehead
more description of him killing them or not would be a better ending.


KETCH EM' KILL EM'!


Overall....It was ok didnt have alot to do with Wasting Time really but you did the best with what you have i guess, Next time just add more details to fill the storyline better so you dont leave readers out in the open.



If you want more details pay me and ill be happy to give line by line Critiquing

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ya i just wrote that so i wouldn't no-show ... this entire tournament has been about lack of ambition and lazyness, it's lame. but ya, you can just vote man - it's probally the only one we'll get.

Hell Low are you sitting comfortably?

What He Said..............................................

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why dont you vote ys

... gutterslut

Why dosent anyone vote??????????????????????????????

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