im 15 in the game and still learning shit
she claim that she a dyme and shes thural and shit
but the only thing she good for is burning some dicks

i aint feeling like a cd player ... no not feeling like a reject
ill keep this bitch in my prayers...and hopes she gets beaten up for the B.S(bullshit)
close her eyes up like a prayer...and make her look like shes getting re-est(rest)
how can these ghetto broads act so mean ..when their body is lookin the sweetest

i shouldnt even feel good about calling these broads dumb bitches
but they seem to feel good when theyre only here for a brother riches
these ghetto whore be loud like when your in church with christians
they try to get in ya face but i only watch my back for cops and snitches

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=234230
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=233278

this is cool, i enjoyed the read. I feel you could of added alot more detail to it aswell as imagery.

Try doing this again,but in stanzas. Intro,content and outro. So with the intro have it building up, sorta setting the scene with shit like, "here I lay" "on my knees i cry" then with content, why your on your knees, why your crying, just sorta painting the picture, and with a outro have it literally a end, a few bars of endign it with either a twist or just heaps of emotion.

Try structuring your peice a bit cleaner, this kinda looks all over the place at first glance.
Read through your peices and searchfor words you can change, instead of starting lines like.....

i aint feeling like a cd player ... instead of "I".. try using a higher voca word like, "anxiously" feeling like a cd player. Doing this adds more vocab,and imagery.
Do that to alot of your bars,will add for a more solid peice.


Basically put more time into it, do some editing, add more vocab, paint a picture for the reader. Present it more appealing ( title, fonts, maybe centre your work) and you will be elevating.

stay dropping
-Peace-

im 15 in the game and still learning shit
she claim that she a dyme and shes thural and shit
but the only thing she good for is burning some dicks

i aint feeling like a cd player ... no not feeling like a reject
ill keep this bitch in my prayers...and hopes she gets beaten up for the B.S(bullshit)
close her eyes up like a prayer...and make her look like shes getting re-est(rest)
how can these ghetto broads act so mean ..when their body is lookin the sweetest

i shouldnt even feel good about calling these broads dumb bitches
but they seem to feel good when theyre only here for a brother riches
these ghetto whore be loud like when your in church with christians
they try to get in ya face but i only watch my back for cops and snitches


^^^^ What the fuck happend to your structure bro.... Anyway how much time did you really put into this, im not knocking you i just dont think you used your full potentional man, i know your new and shit and you will learn when time comes that effort and structure make a big deal on how pepole read your shit........... Keep dropping ~Thesinnister

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That's borderline man, elaborate a bit next time.