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01-06-04, 03:02 PM | #1 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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No Sleep
IP: FE2C FCB0
Sleep deprived
Mind cries// It moans and tears with hopes and fears// I cannot sleep for sleep is weak// why close my eyes? to find surprise?// I'll find a dream A dream supreme// and in this dream, no one fights In this dream, there are no lies// In a dream, you walk hard streets and not be killed in concrete// What a beautiful dream with no wars In a perfect dream there are no poor// Instead she cires, a girl forlorn Easy to buy, a dirty whore// Poor girl, cry no more Busch says this is what we are fighting for...//
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Po'Ethics.
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01-06-04, 06:37 PM | #2 | |||||||
~OrIgINaL eXeCuToNeR~
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IP: EC0B 84C7
this was a nice little nursery rhyme...but names aren't what you use in poetry....gives too much solid detail...you need to be a lil more eccentric and not as precise....ya dig...but wordplay was simple...as well as the rhyme scheme....
but was coo none the less.... igido
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freelance RN Vs RB WAR!!....yr 2000...vet~~YEA I SAID VET!! WHAT YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT? STEP THEN YOU FUCKING HOMO'S |
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01-06-04, 08:07 PM | #3 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 1B81 17C4
Not to bad...the ryme schem was simple yes
i would say extend each line, make it more complex, more details tell your story, bring us inside... and i think you might have spelled bush wrong...but i could be wrong and i dident really get that ending, seems like you ended on a political note that had nothing to do with the rest of the poem |
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01-06-04, 08:16 PM | #4 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: FE2C FCB0
aight, its good to have feedback, but can i have sum good feedback?
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Po'Ethics.
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01-06-04, 08:24 PM | #5 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 1B81 17C4
Sorry if my reply wasent sufficent, just tryin to help ya up
if you dont mind peep my John Doe peice |
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01-17-04, 02:28 PM | #6 | ||||
shawty"B"
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IP: 4577 CD9A
ok yah want gud feed back....... i liked the peice!!!!! that would honestly be the perfect dream too!!!! its an original YOU poem. it has your kinda vibe to it! does that help at all?
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01-17-04, 04:04 PM | #7 | |||||||
Middle Weight
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IP: F762 066E
lol, yup that does help, (again thanx for the feedback) it did explain how i felt at the time, and it was kinda a personal poem for one reason or another. your mentallity seems to make it easy for u to get my poems, thats so fuckin cool, thanx again
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Po'Ethics.
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01-17-04, 08:52 PM | #8 | ||||
shawty"B"
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IP: 399E F0FD
ur welcome...... i understand your poems so easily because its the kinda things that i think but could never find a way to write it down and that fact that you can find that is absolutely mezmorizing and thats basically y i ansered a shitload of ur poems because its my completely random thoughts that i think about for days written somewere in perfect form
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