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Old 09-15-05, 02:34 AM   #1
Mentalz
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Death's Lust

IP: D35B 3F85

(TOPICAL)

Death's Lust

And as the night screams, and the light weens..
This young mans dreams erupt into a fight scene
And as the moon cries to distract eye's..
His hand lets loose as three or more knives fly

But he cant sway at all or let his mind fade
Needs to consentrate to lower the crime rate
So he snaps back to set traps on track's back
As he maintains process and prepares & acts glad

Infact he's sad but would never admit it at all
Just as soon walk himself right through a brick wall
Percistance and chance swell to dance in romance
As he catches the train's prance in one quick glance

And as the smoke crests and all the billows smolder
His heart grows colder cos' he knows its all over
Rage fills and spills on hills crimson with blood
As he remembers the thrills from kills soiled in mud


Snapping back to reality the formality all dies
As the rumbling train echo's in night's dark sky..
Rolling over; nearly consumed by the freights weight
He escapes fate & waits till he's filled w/ straight hate
His murderous methods beckon the very second..
Electricity's tweekin his brain waves..
He might be insane and deranged..
But he still remains, cold and unchanged.

This topical is about a man bent between killing himself and living to kill..
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Old 09-15-05, 02:44 AM   #2
Ysdat
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get rid of things at the start of your bars like.........

and
but
his
he

and replace them with actions..creates more imagery
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Old 09-15-05, 02:53 AM   #3
Mentalz
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Good lookin, never heard anything like that before, thanks.
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Old 09-15-05, 03:05 AM   #4
Ysdat
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no worries bro,

just an example..

rightously the smoke crests and all the billows smolder
blackening heart grows colder cos' he knows its all over
Rage fills and spills on hills crimson with blood
distraught mind remembers the thrills from kills soiled in mud
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