|
|
|
|
| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
08-12-06, 06:32 PM
|
#1
|
||||
|
New to RV
|
First Open Mic
IP: FDB4 EFE6
I wrote this song wit mah boy who calls himself Young Hazle. I aint really know what to call it but, I wrote it to the beat of Show Stoppa by Danity Kane. Tell me whatcha ya'l think. [Hook] We Goin Out Lookin Fly Hopin to pick up a couple of guys Some that can catch our eyes They wantin to taste these thighs Ima swing mah hips from side 2 side [Infamous_Ladi J] Its 12 a.mjust got done lookin good Im ready to go, lets pull up in da hood I dont do tha usual, I keep it excitin So when guys lookin Im the one they sightin I got mah low rise jeans on doin tha dirty Got a cute top tryin to keep it flirty Im lookin fa a thug who can treat me right Ima freak boi but I promise you I wont bite Just hand me a glass of some grey goose Then in bout 20 minutes Ima get loose Be tha crazy ass chick yal know about Throw mah hands up and just shout Shout Lets Go Get Low Creepin in dat Cadillac rollin up slow [Hook] We Goin OutLookin Fly Hopin to pick up a couple of guys Some that can catch our eyes They wantin to taste these thighs Ima swing mah hips from side 2 side [Young Hazle] I step up stunnin cause im lookin fresh to def one look at me, the gurls will lose they breaf I throw her a quick glance She puttin me through a trance she want me to snap my hands im just triena get her to dance She feelin my flow so she licken her lips Im diggin her style, the way she swingin them hips And im like, this a gurl im triena hit quick she know ima show stopper so she wanna be my chick [Hook] We Goin OutLookin Fly Hopin to pick up a couple of guys Some that can catch our eyes They wantin to taste these thighs Ima swing mah hips from side 2 side [Infamous_Ladi_J] Its 2 a.m. now parting, I got some hypnotic Lookin to dance exotic I see a fly dude lookin He really fly that he smokin He stay fresh to death So clean so fresh it took mah breath Ya got dat stunna walk Ya starin at mah like ya wanna talk Ya come up ta mah askin to dance We get to the floor and ya start doin tha B Boy Stance Ya got tha look and tha moves to get wit me But do ya think ya can handle dis freak? [Hook] We Goin OutLookin Fly Hopin to pick up a couple of guys Some that can catch our eyes They wantin to taste these thighs Ima swing mah hips from side 2 side [Young Hazle] its onye 2 am and she lookin hard at me and baby gurl lookin like she triena work up on a G and shawty a little tipsy so she dont stop doin dat $100 a bottle, mix some chris and some blue wit dat we gettin a little closer she actin like she want it by now im past gone too, im doin shots off her stomach she swayin back and forth, left to right, side to side im down for her foreal, and she wanna pimp my ride i take her out the club and strait to my place im triena hit from da back, and i know she want a taste http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2817869 http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2817874 |
||||
|
|
|
08-12-06, 10:03 PM
|
#2
|
||||
|
New to RV
|
IP: FDB4 EFE6
Uppin this
It'z J <3
__________________
Yeah I'ma Diva, But I Do It Like Big Bois Do!
|
||||
|
|
|
08-12-06, 10:07 PM
|
#3
|
|||
|
.
|
IP: 3881 400B
Lmaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Stop. If you're going to post this then do it in audio. No one wants to read something as mainstream and generic as this.
__________________
i'm bored. |
|||
|
|
|
08-12-06, 10:10 PM
|
#4
|
|||||||
|
Flyweight
|
IP: 4EB9 DFE7
stop hate'n son
like u really any better, i'd rather read sumthin that wwuld b better as audio than sum loser nigga who cant flow but good in text fuck that dis was koo, nah i'm say'n, da dude dat was spit'n was jus average, it wuld b better audio but it wasnt wack so dont listen to dumb niggaz like dat iight |
|||||||
|
|
|
08-12-06, 11:08 PM
|
#5
|
|||||
|
New to RV
|
IP: FDB4 EFE6
Quote:
Fuck you nigga.....give some decent feed wit shit. I aint do audio cause I aint got a mic or programs fa dat shit. Fuckin assholes. It'z J
__________________
Yeah I'ma Diva, But I Do It Like Big Bois Do!
|
|||||
|
|
|
08-13-06, 02:51 PM
|
#6
|
||||
|
New to RV
|
IP: C6F4 DAEA
Uppin this fa some real feed back. And thanks Young Mic fa a true feedback.
It'z J <3
__________________
Yeah I'ma Diva, But I Do It Like Big Bois Do!
|
||||
|
|
|
08-13-06, 07:07 PM
|
#7
|
||||
|
Put Yo Money On Me
|
IP: CB5F 7EEE
Basically, I'ma keep it straight with you..:
I didn't read it. I read the end of the lines, and I see that the rhymes are simple. *Going Back To Read Now* Basically, the structure is wrong. A average rap verse is about 16lines...they count em in bars...which will be 8 bars...some people spit 12lines/6bars...like Young Jeezy, that's because his voice is right for that...some spit 14lines/7bars...like Rick Ross, because his voice is matched well...I don't know how your voice is, but ur first verse you did 14lines/7bars...whatever...but tha second verse you did 10lines/5bars...you should never switch up the bar count...Now, as I read it, it would prolly be an okay R&B song, but rap? I dont think so. They lines are wayy to simple and nothing in their that's nice that's makes a jaw dropper..basically, the shit was predictable... Stay on this site tho...you gon' get disses so much you gon get better..real talk... stay up!
__________________
 |
||||
|
|
|
08-28-06, 09:53 PM
|
#8
|
||||||
|
Herb
|
IP: 3240 794D
i liked it fav part
we gettin a lil closer she actin like she want it by now im past gone to, im doin shots off her stomach keep it up 1 |
||||||
|
|
|
08-28-06, 10:02 PM
|
#9
|
|||||
|
ROFL @ u niggas since '04
|
IP: FC94 E1E4
like M easy said....the average track is 16 bars...first verse was only 14 I think.
Its a good sexy track that would sound good with the right voice and flow. I like the style you wrote it. people got to remeber a song ...especially a club song wont sound the same as a text song so it wont have same elements such as the structure of how you write it down the flow you use while putting it down. your flow is on from what I read which really wasnt past the hook and 1st verse. but str8 drop and it sounds liike it would be a good song ...just work on the hook though. it aint sounding too good. 1
__________________
figure I could drop by and promote my my first mixtape and what not since im here..  
|
|||||
 
|
|
|
08-29-06, 01:21 AM
|
#10
|
|||||||
|
Under Oath
|
IP: F8C0 2149
Simple rymes, the scheme is very common in mainstream. personally i dident read all of it due to simplicity and when i say that i dont mean you shouldah used bigger words cuz im not really on that shit, its how its put together...Not bad for your first OM tho keep dropping
|
|||||||
|
|
|
|
08-31-06, 10:04 AM
|
#11
|
||||
|
1926
|
IP: 7BE2 A0A1
Quote:
I couldn't agree more Closed. |
||||
|
|
| Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Open Battles 
Linear Mode
