Longer than my other pieces.... I'm trying to get deeper here
With that said the story begins:

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I stood alone on the sidewalk, I never felt further from danger
A fascinating young girl came towards me, as heaven claimed an Angel
She dropped at my feet; blood stained her dress as she cried
And I couldn’t take the pressure so I left her there to die
A victim of homicide, wrong place at the wrong time
Now I just hope she made it all right across the line
Her pain is with me……………. as if I was in her place
Cuz every time I close my eyes I can see her dying face
I don’t sleep in darkness, and I didn’t even know her name
Now I’m tasting the sun at night just to try and kill the pain


“And all I ever wanted was to save you on that day
Please tell me I’m forgiven so that I can go my way
And all I ever wanted was for me to learn your name
So please tell I’m forgiven so that I can kill my pain”


A year later on the same street, I had almost forgotten it
I was hit by a drunk driver, but wasn’t as fortunate
I didn’t get to leave the sidewalk, just pinned against the wall
And when the driver moved his car, it was just to watch me fall
I think about the girl and how it’s my own fault I’m in this bind
No one stayed to help me; they just left me there to die
A victim of homicide, wrong place at the wrong time
Now I just hope I can make it all right across the line
I open my eyes to find an Angel standing above me
The same girl I let die speaks and tells me that she loves me
“I’m sorry” slips by my lips, she kneels and begins to pray
She hushes me to silence but I’ve got so much left to say

“Cause all I ever wanted was to save you on that day
Please tell me I’m forgiven so that I can go my way
And all I ever wanted was for me to learn your name
So please tell I’m forgiven so that I can kill my pain”


I awake upon the street top, grasping what I was granted
I could read my chapter two but will never understand it
Given a second chance to live when I was kissing death
Given a second chance to breathe when I was missing breathe
And all I have to thank is this person I let die for me
She was a victim of my life, meant to cry for me
Every time I close my eyes I can see an Angel’s face
Cause in order to heal my pain in death- she took my place

“Cause all I ever wanted was to save you on that day
You granted me forgiveness now I can go my way
And all I ever wanted was for me to learn your name
And to tell I’m forgiven so that I can kill my pain”

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You did a very nice job with this story. The hook was a great idea, I like how you worked this. Your structure was nice, a little simple on wrodplay at times. But other than that, I really enjoyed this. It was emotional, and is somthing that would happen. So your speaking reality as well, not just a little story. Nice work hommie...

( please return the favor and peep the open mic in my sig. It would be appriciated )

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=) Hi

..very nice...Great imagery..through out the whole story..it never got dull..your content was great..adn scheme also great..haven't read many of your post?...but..I'll be on the look out~peace..

Please.....read me

This Was An Ok Piece. Flow Was Ok, Kinda Fell Off In Places But Came Back Together Nicely. Vocab Was Too Simplistic, Would Have Had A Better Effect If You Had Worded Some Lines Better Aswell. But That Will Come Over Time.

Keep Dropping Them Un.

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LLL LW Champ
<center>Soft Focus</center>