A rising star, but the surprising part, is that the hope is in me
comprising bars is my devising art, like money to Oprah Winfrey
My bone of choice, to tone my voice & make a sweetened sound
to alone rejoice if i own a royce - & take life in leaps & bounds
take expression and make a blessing if i was born in mild grace
a true star wont fake progressing; he'll just put on a smily face
would abhore disgrace & implore his fate; it only takes "amen"
cuz under pressure he'd ignore debates & restore his face, again
i take this pen & relate to them, its not as if you can't redeem it
yet still i partake with them, although they all act suprimist
we're all stars in our own way, forget societys scale of fitness
cuz i already am a true star, by going about my daily business. .

pretty good here, nice closed in rhyme scheme I like that. nice use of multis, and bars were short and to the point. nice lil boast and spittin knowledge in there also...

keep it up,
1

when i write a piece, thats not the kind of feedback im looking for. lets get some real feedback in here please ?

Blah, man i don't have all day to write a fucking huge reply, when I reply to something you can trust i read it, that's what i'm about... but whatever i'll fullfill your wishes all mighty one.

to alone rejoice if i own a royce - & take life in leaps & bounds
take expression and make a blessing if i was born in mild grace
a true star wont fake progressing; he'll just put on a smily face

That section right there was to me your most impressive. It had the most fluency, and the last line of it was knowledge...

But the piece as a whole can't really be broken down, it was a good drop so the whole thing was basically a quoteable. Like I said, you spit some knowledge in it while boasting - two things that I like in an Off the dome/open mic... You had a nice flow, the multis were well used, and the closed in rhyme scheme worked well with the flow and internals. What more can I say?

Peace.

yo feeble that was some tight shit, i know it doesnt matter bc im a newb, but ur lookin for feedback. do u have any more cause that was wicked....................

really nice drop...im impressed....very well structured, no visible problems, fully coherent, you never lost track of your flow, stayed on your topic and kept pace while stringing in soem nice multis and shit...hgihly above average drop...i mean it's not perfect or anything...but a really good open mic regardless mad props and earned respect

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<center>HemiSphere
The Write Side Of Your Mind</center>

VERY ENJOYABLE
Dope shit feeble
Props homie...
It was a good peice
Nice imagery
Wordplay was good
Amazing work..
keep it up...
PROPS

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arrite street... i have nuthin wrong with praise, id just rather elevate by people telling me what was wrong with my piece. thanks for dropping feedback anyway.

I on the other hand did not enjoy your "closed in" rhyme scheme.....it sounded choppy to me

IF your commas are in the right place for your pause, then it sounds rigid to me....maybe you could try something with the placement of those to smooth the flow.....

^^^The little things make sense

Content wise this was a good concept, and the ideas were well portrayed. Vocab was tight, and you stayed on topic well.....

Only thing that got me was the flow....

...I For One Thought Your Flow Was Nice, From What I Read, The Flow Seemed To Come At Ease For Me...
...I Liked The Way You Stuck To Ya Subject...
...Keep Elevatin'...
...1...

Feeble, that was very impressive. a lot of vocab and interesting lines your flow on rhyme scheme made that very good and for a great read. The lenght was a good size, the vocab was good, a lot of things were done very nicely here...the wehole aspect of the song was very well writtin great job man keep it up.

If you can...drop some feedback on 'the art' in my sig thanks that'd be apreciated

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Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461