My second piece, this is more of a battle rhyme but I though that i'd put it in here for some imput and shit.

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Ayo, I got heatseeking rhymes that home in on silly cats flaunting subpar raps/
If we battle your jaw will be wired shut while I verbally do surgery to fix that claptrap/
Then it'll open wide like a fucking soprano, or you can get permission from your parents to go mano-a-mano/
But then i'll slap you like E. Honda, put you in a coma, break yo fingaz like Twix bars and swab your eyes out with my bona.../

Hold up a sec, you must be kidding me, your weak rhymes are so disrespactable you may as well spit on me/
But hell naw, go weep to you ma, i'll spin your head with a hook, make you flutter like a helecopta/
Seriously bra, I'd rather not fight ya, how about we switch roles so I can bite from ya/
Sell your weak rhymes on EBAY, in exchange for some modelling clay/
Mold it into a dagger and stab you like in a Shakespear play/

I'm controlling your thoughts like the Big Brother/
Make you kiss the ceiling and then headbutt your mother/
You deviate from the norm but that don't make you tuffa/
It just makes it easier for us to play cops and robbers so I can handcuff ya/
Basically, you're a crack addict, shaking and drooling/
Even if you wore clown make up you couldn't do proper fooling/
So back the fuck down/
Maybe rethink your strategy/
Because you're on your way to becoming the newest dramatic tragedy/

common don't sleep on this!

Wack as shit!

Umm...If you think it's wack, I respect your opinion but please gimme some pointers on how I can make it better.

uppin

Bruk told him to do it, to get it re-opened.

One of the first things that struck me about this was that the bars were waaaay long. I just plain couldn't catch a flow to it. There were also a lot of very labored images in there. The modeling clay thing, for example, just didn't work. What I did like was that you were trying to bring an intelligent leve to the rhymes lots of literary references and things of that nature. It was a good effort in terms of that. But overall, it was just a little too "all over the place" for me.

Respect regardless.

Yeah, when I wrote it I felt that the long bars might have been a problem. When I rap it IRL it flows well for me, but I guess I rap fucked up

up, don't sleep.

not bad really:
nice content I agree about the long bars. fresh ideas but I couldn't catch the flow at all. I think you are putting this to a beat and extending 1 line over 4 bars. tried to bust it myself but the bars are just too fucking long. follow the snare man, it's difficult but you need to say more or less what you are saying, just in about half the time. Uh... I confused myself there
maybe someone could try to put that into a bit better words but I hope I helped, keep writing
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thanks for the tip.