(My whole life has been for you, all I planned to do
Was be the man you choose,but can’t understand the rules
When I win I lose, it seems for you there’s no pleasing
Got beat for no reason, I think I did good,but still on the floor pleading
My hearts bleeding, hurt but still needing your acceptance
Can’t you see I’m your reflection, I’m a man you must respect it)

{I’m about 2 seconds from beating you like you stole something
Stop actin like a hoe son and. Take the pain and grow from it
I show lovin the only way I know how, so slow down, change your profile
Before we have a show down, was raised on tough love, and mad it my own style
You feeling broke down? Be a man and lift yourself up
Stop being a punk,everyday cryin bout how you had enough
How about standing up, I know know I ain’t raise no pussy
You think I’m doin something wrong, then show me how it should be
Must have took me for you muta, I don’t respond to that sissy crap
Dig this you brat, whine to me again, and rock your jaw ‘till in splits in half}


(Listen dad,I’m not trying to take it there but it’s my word
Forget the verbs,lift you hand to me again,get what you deserve)

{Oh your showin nerve, you feelin froggy then leap son
Always star gazin I’m about to make you see some}

(I knew you would try this pop that’s why I brought my friends
Smith and Wesson, yeah now you’re not talking shit
I walked in this, room just to see if we reconcile
This mess but I'll be better off without your heckling PAL)

{Hold it now son, you don’t want to do this
You can shoot a man, nah that ain’t gonna prove shit
Put the Gun down and show me what a man you are}

(Shut the hell up I’m tired of all these damn new scars)

(Get on your knees and say a prayer, please god forgive me
But I have to take his life lord, I can’t keep the secret in me
He’s been rapin me since age 5, and wonder why I’m so confused
My hope is.. you underdstand this is what I have to do)

{Baby what are you doing, put it down have you gone crazy
The boy has finally lost it why would I rape my own baby
Father save me, baby you shot me , I can’t believe it
I’m bleeding my heart ain’t beating, my own wife deceived me}

(Thank you mom, I’m sorry I got you in to this
now we both can live in peace, first we gotta get ridda him)

DOPE any more questions?

..I'm...

Huh????

stop finding excuses 2 up yo shit pencil neck

shit was off the hook.....loved the concept/topic and the way you've used it here...
very nice vocab and impeccable flow....consistancy was great to
job well done
keep dropppin like this you'll eventually become legendary

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<Center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>.:Corrupted Visions:.</table></Center>

..One day...

nice, i like da way you spat from three peoples point of views
fave lines;{I’m about 2 seconds from beating you like you stole something
Stop actin like a hoe son and. Take the pain and grow from it
and
Oh your showin nerve, you feelin froggy then leap son
Always star gazin I’m about to make you see some}

vote on my battle
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108195

Real deep and emotional piece here...

Didn't really care for the perverse turn it took at the end.

It just made this really good rhyme about standing up for yourself...

Kinda turn into fantasy.
And ugly fantasy at that.

I was vibing with it cuz I been there myself...

Get smacked till ya too big for it.

Or until Pops feels he'll get smacked back.

Totally understand that, man...
I've lived that reality.

But, reality's only in the beginning of ya verse...
The feelings you flowed with were great.
Very deep, vocab was nice, but not ridiculously complex.
Ryhme scheme was doing it's thing, no problem there.
There was meaning to this verse...
And the meaning was dope and deep.

The latter part of ya verse was strictly shock value I thought...
Unless ya actually confessin here on RB that you were fucked by ya dad.
But I seriously doubt ya doing that...
So, I didn't vibe with the end at all because it went from real ta fake.
Not to say it wasn't good, it was, structure, flow...
All that.
But, to me, you made a good inspirational rhyme turn into something pretty sick.
And not "sick" in a good way either.

I'd have stayed with ya original thought process on this...
I feel ya were rolling along, flowing in ya head...
And got stuck on how to close this and walk away from it.
So, ya went away from your own reality, and delved into something that would grab attentions.

Great first part, very questionable ending...
But if ya like tha gory, this rhyme's for you.

Peace

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Merkings will occur Monday thru Friday, 8 am thru 5 pm, C.S.T.
For my convenience, not yours!

ha...i had to leave feed on this...i wont leave a real big breakdown but I'll giveu my honest opinion...

rhyming was aight....liked the ryhme scheme of ur piece...

(My whole life has been for you, all I planned to do
Was be the man you choose,but can’t understand the rules
When I win I lose, it seems for you there’s no pleasing
Got beat for no reason, I think I did good,but still on the floor pleading
My hearts bleeding, hurt but still needing your acceptance
Can’t you see I’m your reflection, I’m a man you must respect it)


flow- i know this doesnt matter in text, but you tried to force your ryhmes into one line and it makes the verse lines unsymetrical....remember, pieces are more enjoyable to read if they look clean

concept-i always dug the conversation aspect of keystyles....i did something similar..a very real but moving topic and concept...


overall- a decent piece....just keep working on rewording and metaphors and youll get better...

yea i liked this PenSkill...i think this was really good i think ya did well with ya structure but ya lines seem a bit stretched it was still good...i enjoyed ya flow in this really good i liked it quite alot.....i think ya vocab was good with your wordplay and made good imagery on this.....yea this was Tight Man i really think it was good....PeacE....

..Thanks for the replies..anyone else..??

Me.....liked this alot other then the ending, dont know why you changed it like that, maybe you couldnt think of anything, kinda different, i hurd a audio the other day about this topic kinda different tho, otherwise good peice

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Corrupted Visions

great job.... i love pieces written from more than one perspective.... nice use of vocabulary and multis, great storytelling, consistent flow.... 9/10