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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
02-10-04, 09:11 AM
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#1
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Guest
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Chapter One
IP: 40D6 EBC3
This is where the story begins.. A tale of happiness it isnt
Its where the underworld has come to the surface.. Risen A lonely figure stands.. Trapped inside his own head Oblivious to feelings... ... The disease starts to spread Its emitting itself.. Being released from every folicle Head shrouded by thought... ... State of mind is diabolical Living in hell.. Tormenting himself.. He just wants to yell This is what it feels like... ... Being alive and living in hell Hate erupts out.. Its coming from the very core of his soul He cant live with what he did... ... Doesnt have enough self-control Its boiling up.. Hatred for himself fizzles out of hand He knees buckle and he cannot stand... ... Loaths himself for the deed he planned He falls to his knees.. Praying for a bolt of lightening The amount of hate he has... ... For himself and his spirit is frightening He looks the the sky.. As the rains beat the ground Low rumbles in the distance... ... Rain drops and thunder roll are the only sounds In his head.. He hears screams.. Deafening to the ear Ripping through his eardrums... ... Hellish sounds he can hear Torn between two decisions.. Should he just give up.. Not try But how could he soldier on... ... When he truly wants to die Its infective.. Anger itself is starting to release on others Cant live with the consequence... ... Of what he did to his brother A beast.. A demon incarnated to Earth is what he has become But believe me when a tell you.. The worst is yet to come... |
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02-10-04, 09:24 AM
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#2
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: 8633 BD8F
do i need to even comment, another top class piece by you, i aint even gonna break it down!!! 9.5/10. pz
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02-10-04, 09:39 AM
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#3
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Guest
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IP: CC64 0500
yo that shit was tight..like the finsh..hope u follow this up...i'll b waitin...9/10 cuz i cant count in halves...yo cud ya hit ma battle up wit a fair vote cuz the dam tins getin slept on::link in sig:: pz
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02-10-04, 10:03 AM
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#4
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"The Eleete"
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IP: FAD9 BD2A
Nice piece here Free............yet again you manage to capture the imagery immensely in your story telling......It read a lot like a poem to me........was it?........It was great though.........nice use of vocabulary an structure was good as well.........it was a very intriguing story..........cant wait to see where this go.........peace!
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02-10-04, 10:08 AM
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#5
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: C1DA C961
Very Nice...your imagery was awesome..althought I didn't really feel your writers voice...and I can see I started a trend with..epic stories..Ha~Ha~Ha~~~~I'm a trend setter!!!!! ^.^
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02-10-04, 10:10 AM
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#6
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IP: 24A3 0EF0
pretty good
i felt the flow got a bit choppy in places..maybe just me. story wasnt bad wasnt anything spectacularly original about his madness but id like to see how the story develops try and add a bit more imaginative imagery to your pieces..ie unexpected yet apt for the line/s keep up peace |
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02-10-04, 10:11 AM
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#7
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Indeed^...
Writers voice was dope... Lol... Nah... Just put it there to break it up abit... All im saying is... Wait till tomorrow for the next installment kids...  Pz... |
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02-10-04, 10:14 AM
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#8
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New to RB
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IP: 202C A952
Freeman... all set beef/shyt talkin aside...
this piece was madd super nice... most deff the best drop i've seen from... yo mind is on shyt or somthin i don't know... u got somthin wrong with you... this shyt was nice as fuck an shyt... i was feelin it... mostly ... killed it to the fullest... do it..9/10 Back to the action YO SHYT IS WACK ... YOU GARBAGE U CAN'T RYHME... I'M WAY ILLER THEN YOU SON.. Caesar - On3
__________________
~Sitting In Elevation Position~ Free Agent Just A Sick Newbie Murked - Lust Lost - None |
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02-10-04, 10:17 AM
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#9
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Much appreciated dawg...
We had no beef to start with  ...Pz... |
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02-10-04, 11:16 AM
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#10
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Anti Drug=Pre-marital Sex
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IP: 2F46 BF0E
imagery was the most stand out thing in Chapter One...your emphasis on detail helped me to relate to the feelings of the story...I'm curious to see exactly what happens in the next chapter...looks like there is a lot of torn emotion inside this persons head for something he did to his brother...hopefully all will be explained...this is great piece, keep up the super work, can't wait to see the next chapter...pz.
__________________
<img src="http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=7548"> |
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02-10-04, 11:31 AM
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#11
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Guest
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IP: 4287 3F49
*Adds another name to list of people i'll be reading* You'll always have a reply from me pimp, this shit was dope, i just have one favor to ask, use a bigger font shit damn near made ya man cross eyed over here!!!Dope ass piece nothing to say do better so i'll just say
THA ROCKETS LOST CUZ OF FRANCHISE!!!!!!!!! |
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02-10-04, 11:37 AM
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#12
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
Thanks man... Much appreciated... Although my name should of been on your list a while ago
...Chapter Two is out tomorrow... For all of y'all that think this is good... Get ready to pick your mother fucking jawbones off the floor... Pz... |
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02-10-04, 11:38 AM
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#13
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Guest
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IP: 4287 3F49
Honestly you were high cuz of your Avatar!!!!
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02-10-04, 11:42 AM
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#14
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Guest
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IP: 40D6 EBC3
My old one? Or this one? Lol...
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02-10-04, 11:47 AM
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#15
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Guest
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IP: 4287 3F49
This one.
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