No rubber will please us, that was the thesis, that left one woman wondering where her bleed-was..//
and that same woman panicking on the bathroom floor, 6 weeks later palming a fetus..//
keepin it discreet-was the plan, we'll be rid of the baby before she meets-us..//
but baby defeats-us, born on a cheap-bus, cryin tears of a bitter-sweet-fuss..//
A grateful light was quickly blackened, child born into a hateful life..//
Its all her fault, shes sorry her parents werent more careful that fateful night..//

Shes ten years old, and ten years cold, so much that her breath's seen in the air..//
a routine scare from neglecting parents, so when she screams theres no one there..//
Cuz no one cares..and no one dares to calm her shivers when she shakes..//
quivers and quakes..after hearing each day of her life was all mistakes..//
She's sorry, She knows its her fault theres no money to pay the bills..//
tho no one ever comes home with paychecks, only syringes, vials n pills..//

She's 18 now, and never once did she let the shadows on her wall catch her..//
But the chase wasnt complete until they took her mom out on the stretcher..//
She heard the men in overcoats talking of the fatal addiction doses..//
and when the door slammed shut, she was left alone with four eviction notices..//
She's sorry, she knows she deserves every pain in this life god gave her..//
shes all alone and nearly homeless, she knows now only the streets can save her..//

Moans from a man she drowned out, she only thought of loans for a plan..//
bones for a hand, of crisp 20's..was the transaction that owned once began..//
A shameful living, that stripped her of her honor as much as it did her clothes..//
but amidst the weeds she found a rose, a man who cared, or so he shows..//
They lived together, she thought she loved him, but really he was all she had..//
he kept her out the streets, so she did whatever she could to keep him glad..//
but he was always shady, never treated her like a lady..//
his liquor came first, even when placed in the lineup of her and their baby..//
She's sorry he got her pregnant, on that night of drunken passion..//
she's sorry the chips of her fertility were to much for him to cash-in..//
she's sorry he hit her all night, face so covered in tears they barried it..//
but most of all shes sorry for her baby..........she miscarried it..//

She stared a strong gaze as the nurses tried to console and tap into her..//
But the only thing she could think was how that was what should have happened to her..//
She wandered back to the house where she used to watch her mom shoot up at the table..//
she almost wasnt able, to keep on, all the flashbacks made her so unstable..//
Through a faded door, she entered a bedroom and in the dresser raided the drawer..//
she hated before, it made her a whore, she didnt want it anymore..//
she hated now, she hated herself for letting her baby slip thru her grasp..//
she's sorry, she shed a tear, one last, and then she let the gun blast..//

I liked this, it had a good story and it flowed well, would be a great audio

Peace

WOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW...


i honestly cannot express the Words that i feel towards this piece..

but all i can say is... ONE LOVE MAMA...

you definitely have aquired the skills of a writer... i used to see you post around here and never really took the time to watch you progress... bu wow.. you have come A LONG WAY..


the scheme was there... the pattern was there... the stroyline followed sweet.. and truth is.... ITS REAL... this is another story of a ghetto reporter...


I would consider it an honor if you took a moment to peep my piece and tell me what you feel as i admire critique from writers of your caliber.


I felt this piece and not only cuz im kissing ass...or new... because im not... i am a writer by blood and could careless about public opinion. i write on my vision. my eyes are televisions that i spit on.


OVERALL...


5/5


TOP NOTCH.

Ay..thanks yall two..I really appreciate the comments..i wasnt expecting anyone to actually read it all..

Da,
That was a nice peice....

madd deep yo i was feelin tha flow

go peep my shit please somebody i need feedback
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=17122

i was feelin' it...you got a nice flow mija...and i love real lit..so this was most definetly felt..so keep on bringin' tha realness..aiight? ok..one love

Never had anyone call me Da before..ha..
ah, the things some people call replies...


Thanks Omega,i appreciate the comments.

and i'd appreciate soome feedback from you..go checkk out my two freestyle post...

nice pos mami keep it up

yo nice spit baby girl that shit took me places...if you eva do the audio on that shit than im downloading it cuz that waz madd deep .

if you get a chance peep mah callb wit logic and acidic

K
1 love

uppin mah real reply is in poetry room please read is gege

thanks very much yall for the reps..n thanks for keepin me up hazy..

This is iLL, well built up storyline and imagery, everything to me stayed on point... Cant really criticize anything, the actual story line was madd detailed and well thought, the concept was tidy and worked well throughout... The rhythm was on point, multies and some internal rhymes complementing your rhyme scheme, and it seemed flawless in places, seems a good piece to do audio... The wordplay and vocab combined well together, madd similes and metaphors and imagery kept a vivid picture in my head... iLL aint another word for it, deep, interesting and well related to todays society... keep em coming, and keep dropping them gems...

Peez...