|
|
|
|
| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
01-27-05, 09:56 PM
|
#1
|
|||
|
Banned: Biting
|
Diary of a soldier_first entry_
IP: AA11 D51C
diary of a soldier_first entry_
01:20 hours 2/3 1986 Dear diary As I sit in this plane, cold steel on my back
superior Commander revising our plan of attack the planes engine drowns out his speach A guy drops his flask,Im strapped in so its just out of reach This is my moment of truth,my time to shine We have a positon on the mission, i wait to be told which is mine a guys walking up and down the plane,taking a rolecall ...I get asked... "how do we tell the diffrence between enemy and a local?" use your your eyes,its not hard to tell Glimpsing to my left, i see a soldier start to dwell he obviously isnt to happy to be off to fight I feel the same way,but theres no room to be soft 2night the plane dip's the left wing, i slide forward in my seat i hear the commander yell,"we wont admit defeat" I'm now feeling anxious,yet overwelmed with excitment We have a solider's code of honour,its time to re-site it "Dear lord,as we take this journey,please watch over each one of us as we go into combat,i relise I may not return But I do this on behalf of my country and goverment i do this for the love of my people, for the love of the world please see to it my family has no worries for i love them as much as i love thy lord above" Theres now an eary silence amoung the plane I can see some allready missing family,filled with pain I sit smiling, only because I have mixed emotions As we do another turn, i get a glimps of the ocean So peacefull and calm, cant belive were only 20 minutes away thanks for listening diary, I hope I get time to write everyday next entry coming soon ************************************************** ******************************** open mic rules: http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=141490 leave ya link: http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=165166 u have 24 hours to post a link with proper feed back if u dont understand what is a proper feed back click on these links above they should help those who really dont understand and for those who is playin dumb u'r one step to being BANND from open mic... Last edited by intensify effect : 01-29-05 at 08:02 AM. |
|||
|
|
01-27-05, 10:26 PM
|
#2
|
|||||
|
~Break Bred or Play Dead~
|
IP: 5A3A E4C3
nice topic kinda seen wha u was talkin bout
it was clear..could have been more clear good vocab and good concepts everything was basically a check and a plus sounds like sumtin em would come out wit propz kid *Nuff Said*
__________________
|
|||||
 
|
|
|
01-28-05, 01:41 AM
|
#3
|
|||
|
Banned: Biting
|
IP: 840F 1F1A
thanks for the feed.
^**************************^ |
|||
|
|
|
01-28-05, 11:53 AM
|
#4
|
|||||||
|
Life is a Constant Battle
|
IP: 5772 4157
yo i liked the visualization, and how easy it was to follow the story...structure n flow were good. The vocabulary n emotion was good...i think this was a good topical to follow the story, only way to better it i think ya would need some vocab or complexity, but other than that big ups though like how you flowed thru da story...
__________________
B.Wall   O.G. 
|
|||||||
|
|
|
01-28-05, 12:57 PM
|
#5
|
|||||||
|
New to RV
|
IP: 3240 794D
i agree wit all of them, visualization was good, i deffinitley felt some emotion, beginning and ending cant complain about them, id agree wit them both check pluss, 8/10 keep written, only get better...
return tha favor
__________________
M.A.F.i.A ......Tha MAFIA
 "DO WHAT YOU SAY, MEAN WHAT YOU DO" M.A.F.i.A  YOUR RHYMES ARE   |
|||||||
|
|
|
01-28-05, 04:07 PM
|
#6
|
|||||
|
Banned: Cheating
|
IP: 9C92 533D
i liked the topic...i always like raps that follow a story...work on flow and structure...and start usin more advanced structure with multies and metaphors...but overall i liked it...
7/10 |
|||||
|
|
|
|
01-29-05, 01:15 AM
|
#7
|
|||
|
Banned: Biting
|
IP: 2AB1 EE10
thanks for the feed. Im purposly writing these simple, they gonn abe more about the emotion and story line, rather than technicality.
^*********************^ |
|||
|
|
|
01-29-05, 01:20 AM
|
#8
|
||||
|
Back....
|
IP: C252 FEB0
Feeling it. I liked your code.
Mayn you sound a political speaker. Is that what you are? Keep bringing that hot and real shit.... Kinda like Indeph huh? Weerd.
__________________
Back..... |
||||
|
|
|
01-29-05, 08:03 AM
|
#9
|
|||
|
Banned
|
IP: FC89 54C5
************************************************** ********************************
open mic rules: http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=141490 leave ya link: http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=165166 u have 24 hours to post a link with proper feed back if u dont understand what is a proper feed back click on these links above they should help those who really dont understand and for those who is playin dumb u'r one step to being BANND from open mic... |
|||
|
|
|
01-29-05, 04:20 PM
|
#10
|
|||
|
Banned: Biting
|
IP: 4257 B15B
|
|||
|
|
|
01-29-05, 09:54 PM
|
#11
|
|||
|
Banned: Biting
|
IP: 6FF2 C222
^*****************************^
|
|||
|
|
|
01-30-05, 02:56 AM
|
#12
|
|||||
|
Banned: Cheating
|
IP: 5043 32F4
whoa this was one of your better Om's where you used some good creativty like your best....i loved this line..
the plane dip's the left wing, i slide forward in my seat i hear the commander yell,"we wont admit defeat" tight ass imagery also in your Om here....good vocab and the stucture was desent...the flow was very good....and i just felt this was a fun thing to read...keep it up man... 1 |
|||||
|
|
|
|
01-30-05, 05:47 PM
|
#13
|
|||
|
Banned: Biting
|
IP: 6FF2 C222
^**************^
|
|||
|
|
|
01-31-05, 06:10 PM
|
#14
|
|||||||
|
a.k.a prozak
|
IP: CF1A D121
didn'y u rip off Petey Pablo's album title "Diary of A Sinner: 1st Entry????
|
|||||||
|
|
|
 |
| Thread Tools | Search this Thread |
| Display Modes | |
|
|
Linear Mode
