Check it out i just made this tell me how you like it

Verse: see dis a dangerous game and i'm up as batter/my team playing hardball no lame/chutes and ladders/dat's why when you hear something hot/ it's gotta/be king/stay fresh to def' pimps gotta/be clean/an' fo' some reason i don't unda' stand/how i'm hot as i am/wit' so many fans/an' i may seem cocky but i got skills/keepin' da' lou on da' map/an' dat's/fo' real/blazin' da' hottest tracks/an' dats fo' real/otha' artist get dap/while i'm stackin' mills/yea an' ya'll kno'/dat's fo' sho'/see like a backed/up riva' i'm jus' packed/wit' flo's/yyyyyeeeeeaaaaa/you kno' dat' i thro'/bo's/so get back befo'/you catch one to yo' nose/i'll leave scar on yo' face like al pacino/i'm getting mo' cream daily then cappucino's/i'm da' lou's favorite(pause) an' i keep rollin' my do'/like my name was imo's

Dis aint one of my better verses. it's just something i felt like dropping. it sounds better with a beat.

looks like it would be better w/ a beat like you said.....you shouldnt structure it like a paragraph..makes it hard to read, hit enter after every bar and it would make it a lot easier to read

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1x Punchline League Champion

First Open Mic -" RV's State Of Mind"

on da real fame this was a very bad piece..terrible structure..pretty good flow though cuz i actually took time and read it...shit was choppy in places needs some elavation in places...4/10...

leave feedback on mine feat. parallel....i bet you'll see how to organize ya open mic hommie...

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=177332

^^theres the link

Okay, the structure was everywhere, you prezent your rhymes like they do in chat rooms

The flow was choppy, an it was punchless, step ya game up

I'm not hating

But do each bar
Seperately
Like
This

Aight man?

Anyway, keep elevating, theres potential there, you jjust gotta learn the ropes

Leave feedback on my open mic called Look Mom

Peace

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Wuddup King? Glad to see you finally droppin man...Shit was good, just need to REALLY fix your structure dawg...Check out me drop and leave some feed...Its called "I'm Blessed"...1