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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
05-09-05, 07:09 PM
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#1
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Moonlit Clock
IP: 3881 400B
Link: http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2140307
Moonlit Clock Twelve o'clock, midnight, the scripting has now took place, A spiritual virus, concocting a plan on infecting your base, Cerebral scriptures blinding you, only proving that I'm too bright, Injured in darkness, only to see your blood under moonlight, Tranquil until you hear screeches of pain clogging your brain, Slowly eating away your sight and thinking in a reign, Leaving you mentally stained, as the whole sky is one big clock, The big hand strikes the top searching for something to mock, Everyone is in slumber so no one is awake at this hour, Its hands slowly drag you into it merged in its power, Begging for time, but the clock can’t hear you pleading, Everyone was dancin with death like crip walkin with demons, Suffering pain as your mind franticly panics, Swallowed by it, devilishly melted within its mechanics. Darkness overwhelms the sun including the sky, Waiting for the hands to strike 12 waiting to die, Surrounded by four corners, trapped in a box, Its pitch black, except the light to the moonlight clock, Trembling vocals leave you under cardiac arrest, As the little hand merges intensely into your chest, Faint ghostly voices whispering into your ear, Transforming your organs into machinery gears, The clock is endless in diameter blocking the clouds, As is swiftly pushes through stars like a snow plow, Falling comets creating craters shaking the planet, Thousands of souls released penetrating the ambit, The clock begins to loose control as it shakes, Battery acid it leaks, the machine starts to break, Duracell powered running on dark electricity, Its ending, the sky is becoming placid with simplicity, The town’s clock tower has struck 6 o'clock, Finally after many hours this terror has stopped, Darkness overwhelms the sun including the sky, Waiting for the hands to strike 12 waiting to die, Surrounded by four corners, trapped in a box, Its pitch black, except the light to the moonlight clock, Feed please...
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i'm bored. |
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05-09-05, 07:19 PM
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#2
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New to RV
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IP: D8BF 0E1D
Overall i would rate this as ...Nicely Sketched...
Yeah it seemed as though you were implementing that of poetry and rap yet you couldnt quite mix the two properly... The outcome was overall okay, it was in fact sketchy to me, the rhymes didnt flow so well, it would seem as though you were trying to do a bit of poetry like i said but maybe a bit too much for this particular peice... it was good in other aspects... the story was nice, i did enjoy the read, the theme was well set the idea around the clock was pretty awesome... it was your flow i think that killed it for me, it was dead in the beggining pretty much and got better as i read.... one thing i noticed though.. "Everyone was dancin with death like crip walkin with demons" I've heard this in another one of yours...?
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 Optionality ; Unite  |
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05-09-05, 07:21 PM
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#3
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IP: 3881 400B
Yeah but I gave up on that one so I added that line in this piece^^
Thanks for the honest feed.
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i'm bored. |
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05-09-05, 07:22 PM
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#4
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New to RV
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IP: D8BF 0E1D
is that what you did? well the line was nice so no need to throw it away
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Optionality ; Unite |
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05-09-05, 07:29 PM
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#5
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in your system
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IP: 9E2F CDE8
hmmm, yes....it seems to whole first verse was more poetic than the second, seemed the style was inconsistent
but overall, i thought this was a pretty cool piece, creative and unique....althought some parts were a little weird, you manage to keep a good consistency with the storyline and mixed in alot of cool metas....nice vocab....although some lines fell off a little......all i can say is, work on structure to keep it consistent throughout the whole piece, and try not to sway from your topic, it seemed like you did that on a few lines.......thats my opinion anyways......... keep up
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this world is a drug, and everyone's selfish FLY FREE |
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05-09-05, 07:31 PM
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#6
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IP: 3881 400B
Thanks for the good feed guys.
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i'm bored. |
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05-10-05, 03:50 PM
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#7
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IP: 3881 400B
Uppin..............
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i'm bored. |
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