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06-06-05, 09:25 PM | #1 | ||||
yawn
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The Bitter Taste
IP: C145 D8F3
I'm gonna try this again. Was posted before, but noone left feed... Prolly cause of the length. But Come on... just read it.
His eyes, mocked a deer in the head lights The sanity and blood lust begin to fight Mind gridlocked, conscious dwindles to his toes Heart skips a beat, senses and motion froze His imagination chuckles, noticing the fate they kissed As he forces out a crooked smile, with tightly clenched fists As a visual connection builds, he finds himself in their imagination Intoxicating neurotic personality, much for a weak mind to be facing Making sure when he exits, he leaves behind a little taste Of the life that will be halting, Names written in a bloody waste This life mocking his nightmares, a psychosis comes to life Payback for a soul that ,for years, slid on a sharpened knife Twisting the key to the only entrance and exit He stares are his forearm, and begins to flex it Adrenaline pumps into his blood stream Next, Unimaginable, Against the door he leans He then turns to the spectators, only guests they think But quickly their minds change, as they hands begin to link Stuck on these thrones, eyes fixated on this maniac In his mind, it is his pride that is being taken back Human functions numb and go limp As he places himself in a LayZboy and catches a glimpse Of fear, Of agony, Of pain, Of questioning Of confusion, Of helplessness, A satanic Blessing A calous build as he spins the blades tip on his finger His eyes slowly close, as his experimental mind lingers Misdirecting his thoughts, as they travel uncontrolled The flames that drip from their words dry the mold Mold of their creation, The being that sits staring at his reflection Pricking his finger, the deep red aroused what he once mentioned 'Regret what you have spoke, and realize what you provoke! This beast was born from your long burning word, But your ignorance will shade you until your innocence is murdered! When you have finally tasted my flesh, and indulged my mind, You digest these thorns, when my words have sunk inside...' But that was so long ago, Before he cut himself free From the noose that suffocated his reality The rope mended together by the poisoned sentences And knotted at the top by his own pennance Releasing himself from this torture, He can finally breathe He has opened his eyes to what he should have always seen Inhaling the actuality of his so called friends Exhaling his confusion and rage, just quickening the end The trail of his mind has ended, his eyes mimic half moons The time of selection has arrived, the darkness fills the room His mind is through hosting this parasite As the cold grey connects just right The inanimacy soon starts to bleed and come to life He falls to his knees and places his hands over his face Feeling his future drip from his lips, and tasting his fate
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do your research. |
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06-08-05, 09:28 PM | #2 | |||
Banned: Biting
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IP: C1B3 89A4
ok, this was ok. the length you was rite on. i got bored reading it not becuase of the length, but becuase you went off focus in some places. im not going to knock on you for that. but heres what i think you should have done. you should have made this poem in to a sequence of chapters that way, you can start off fresh on each drop. but i will leave feed bieng that i read the whole thing.
His eyes, mocked a deer in the head lights The sanity and blood lust begin to fight Mind gridlocked, conscious dwindles to his toes Heart skips a beat, senses and motion froze ^^^"i know that this is your poem and this is how you wanted to write it, but in my opinion you came out a bit to hard on them beggining lines. As a visual connection builds, he finds himself in their imagination Intoxicating neurotic personality, much for a weak mind to be facing ^^^iiight. to much big words could over complicate things when a reader is trying to grasp the full meaning of the poem. This life mocking his nightmares, a psychosis comes to life Payback for a soul that ,for years, slid on a sharpened knife ^^^this was different. for some reason i think you could have swithed this around and used this as your opener. but that all thee time i have rite now but think about what i said. |
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