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Old 06-06-05, 09:25 PM   #1
Crossword
yawn
 
Posts: 1,882
Joined: Feb 2004
From: cNY
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The Bitter Taste

IP: C145 D8F3

I'm gonna try this again. Was posted before, but noone left feed... Prolly cause of the length. But Come on... just read it.


His eyes, mocked a deer in the head lights
The sanity and blood lust begin to fight
Mind gridlocked, conscious dwindles to his toes
Heart skips a beat, senses and motion froze
His imagination chuckles, noticing the fate they kissed
As he forces out a crooked smile, with tightly clenched fists

As a visual connection builds, he finds himself in their imagination
Intoxicating neurotic personality, much for a weak mind to be facing
Making sure when he exits, he leaves behind a little taste
Of the life that will be halting, Names written in a bloody waste
This life mocking his nightmares, a psychosis comes to life
Payback for a soul that ,for years, slid on a sharpened knife

Twisting the key to the only entrance and exit
He stares are his forearm, and begins to flex it
Adrenaline pumps into his blood stream
Next, Unimaginable, Against the door he leans
He then turns to the spectators, only guests they think
But quickly their minds change, as they hands begin to link

Stuck on these thrones, eyes fixated on this maniac
In his mind, it is his pride that is being taken back
Human functions numb and go limp
As he places himself in a LayZboy and catches a glimpse
Of fear, Of agony, Of pain, Of questioning
Of confusion, Of helplessness, A satanic Blessing

A calous build as he spins the blades tip on his finger
His eyes slowly close, as his experimental mind lingers
Misdirecting his thoughts, as they travel uncontrolled
The flames that drip from their words dry the mold
Mold of their creation, The being that sits staring at his reflection
Pricking his finger, the deep red aroused what he once mentioned

'Regret what you have spoke, and realize what you provoke!
This beast was born from your long burning word,
But your ignorance will shade you until your innocence is murdered!
When you have finally tasted my flesh, and indulged my mind,
You digest these thorns, when my words have sunk inside...'

But that was so long ago, Before he cut himself free
From the noose that suffocated his reality
The rope mended together by the poisoned sentences
And knotted at the top by his own pennance
Releasing himself from this torture, He can finally breathe
He has opened his eyes to what he should have always seen
Inhaling the actuality of his so called friends
Exhaling his confusion and rage, just quickening the end

The trail of his mind has ended, his eyes mimic half moons
The time of selection has arrived, the darkness fills the room
His mind is through hosting this parasite
As the cold grey connects just right
The inanimacy soon starts to bleed and come to life
He falls to his knees and places his hands over his face
Feeling his future drip from his lips, and tasting his fate
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Old 06-08-05, 09:28 PM   #2
~*Khatharsis*~
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ok, this was ok. the length you was rite on. i got bored reading it not becuase of the length, but becuase you went off focus in some places. im not going to knock on you for that. but heres what i think you should have done. you should have made this poem in to a sequence of chapters that way, you can start off fresh on each drop. but i will leave feed bieng that i read the whole thing.

His eyes, mocked a deer in the head lights
The sanity and blood lust begin to fight
Mind gridlocked, conscious dwindles to his toes
Heart skips a beat, senses and motion froze
^^^"i know that this is your poem and this is how you wanted to write it, but in my opinion you came out a bit to hard on them beggining lines.

As a visual connection builds, he finds himself in their imagination
Intoxicating neurotic personality, much for a weak mind to be facing
^^^iiight. to much big words could over complicate things when a reader is trying to grasp the full meaning of the poem.

This life mocking his nightmares, a psychosis comes to life
Payback for a soul that ,for years, slid on a sharpened knife
^^^this was different. for some reason i think you could have swithed this around and used this as your opener.

but that all thee time i have rite now but think about what i said.
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