March 20th, 2006

The past its biting at my heals,
my self aware personality continues
to consistently fuck me over.

4 months ago I lived in the bottom
of an empty bottle using joints as pillows,
awaking wherever; Spontaneity was I;
Caution was the never could...
Until, I lost my sense of all.

Pressed that bright red safety,
red, now that I think about that...
I should have heeded the warning in front of me
... But anyways

Lit that stick on poison without hesitation,
I didn't even know what was in it...
But whatever, I guess I loved surprises.

"I'm not even feeling it..."

Ya, its hard to feel what hasn't
fully entered the system yet isn't it?

*Shakes Head*

That fucking joint spilled its every
asperation to become hallucinagen
through my fragile blood stream,
as the herb grew roots to bind
around the weak mind of ignorance.

Arms went numb, I picked them up,
but when I say my arm in front of me...
It wasn't mine, THIS WASN'T MY FUCKING ARM!
As my body detatched from the nervous
system and basked in all the glory of freedom,
confusion took her hands and rubbed
her dull nails along the top of my head
as my hair got caught in her fingers
and she lifted it away with her.

My throat went numb and I spit up every gulp I took.
I walked down the street, starring
down a separate tunnel for each eye.
My body wasn't even fucking there,
mmm, maybe I wasn't even there.
Then it began to snow, It was 60 degrees...
but I don't know weather snow,
I mean the snow you see on the TV screen
when the main cable wire comes undone,
because... Well, I guess just that happened to me.

Began to see in pixels, hard breath,
I don't even think I'm fucking breathing...
My hearts beating so fast, WHAT'S WRONG!
Each thump rips through my chest but
leaves it echoing blast to bounce through
my throat... BOOM...Boom...boom
and reside in a find throb of my head BOOM!
Hu-hu....huuuuuh...huuuuuuuuuuuuh...
I cant breath, I CANT FUCKING BREATH!

I look around but everytime I move my eyes
I forget what I was just looking at...
It feel like I just woke up from a dream
after every blink, and every shift of my eye.
I cant even see in a flowing motion now,
everything is watch in sequenced pictures.
The snow grows thicker... IM NOT BREATHING!

"dude, I think I'm going to pass out"

.................

4 months later and here I am;
Nope, the joint wasn't laced, not even great weed...
I just felt into a very slim percentile.
Derealization is a feeling of detachment from reality,
a feeling that everything is a dream;
A feeling that doesn't pass with the high,
but rather last as long as you let it.
Laced with anxiety attacks and constant
throat constriction, ya, lucky me.
I feel fucking high 24-7, ironies a bitch huh?
Spent half my life getting high,
and now I'm spending it high and I never want to be again.

I'm afraid to fucking sleep,
In school I can't rest my eyes...
because I may open them and find myself
back in my bed and all that's happened so far
wasn't what I thought it was... REAL.

I don't know what's real, everything feels fake,
suddenly the concepts of everything awe me
to the point I cant even image them ever being real...
People, we're animals... Yet we cloth ourselves,
and we drive in a moving machine...
and I'm fucking typing through a box, what the fuck!?
How could that be real, am I dreaming now?
Maybe somewhere in the "real" I passed out
and everything has just been a coma mirage.

I tried to kill myself earlier in the struggle to find "real."
I had no breath, and it was just to much work
to find the answers, I thought about quitting...
This life fucking sucks, lets test out the next.
... Rapped the curtains around my neck,
but as I turned red and felt my eyes bulge...
I realized, I'm still afraid to die,
So that must mean somewhere inside,
I know this is real and I can't let it go...
That means there's hope, if I can just find that place,
That place where uncertainty isn't the norm.

Well, until then its therapy and writing for me...
I'm starting to realize not so much this is "real,"
but that feels real in some sense, so why spoil it?
If something were fake yet you enjoyed it...
Would that make you want to embrace it any less?

*Shrug*

Real or not, I guess this is what I've got.

Yours Truly,
... Lost and Never Found