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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
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12-29-05, 04:25 PM
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#1
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Banned: Biting
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What Lies Beneath Ft Issue
IP:
(Issue 1st & D.Zaster 2nd)
What Lies Beneath
I watch you from a distance, waiting for the instant to attack, Minutes pass by limitless, I'm impatiently waiting to crack. I snap and run towards you, force you down to the ground. You call my name and I ignore you, my breathing is the only sound. Your bleeding is constant and your screaming is honest but nonsence, Your heartbeat is not in sync and it retreats to a hollow din, I'm folowing your eyes as you watch me stand and stab you, As you wallow in surprise, you cry to stop but I just grab you. I drag you down the darkest valley at the side of the road, I ask you where your heart is and why its beats silently alone? You're gonna die on your own, and its the ultimate justice. Lust is crying alone, but love is just this.... I wasn't your wife, I was your mistress, I was never in your life enough to live this, So now if I excercise suicide, will we be together? Or will our lives divide, and I chase you alone forever? Now I'm gonna bury you like treasure, my heart will be the map... I will never ever forget, torn apart, you can always count on that. (Months pass) And now... I sit back and relax, Finaly coming to face facts I took his life, And not even God can replace that Now my lifes completly changed, I gotta take it in my stride Knowing this guilt trip,Is one that could keep me down for life I took that Knife, Remembering how I stabbed and dragged But now the tables turned, I cry knowing it was no mis-hap Alone in this place, I regret what happened that cold night As my world begins to fly past , I sit and hold tight I shiver a cold fright, Wishing I could turn back time People outside enjoying freedom, In here I lack mine Surrounded by the dull grey walls, Being driven insane I remember that night, him on floor, Screaming my name A lone tear takes a stroll down my face, Tickling me I regret what I did, Now im stuck wishing I was free See, for what I did Ill be stuck in this prison for years And my only way of saying sorry, Is by releasing more tears This is my first peice since last year, gotta shake the rust for sapient speech. Feed? |
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12-29-05, 04:44 PM
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#2
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in your system
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IP:
you prolby need links, but i'll still read
one thing i noticed, with both pieces, was at points you forced rhyming and assonance or whatever; basically some lines sounds funny cause of continual rhyming...but hey, everyone is guilty sometimes....but yeah, just one thing other than that, i thought this was pretty cool, enjoyable, cause both people had their own unique kinda look at it, and both put forth some stand out lines....which made it more enjoyable....here's what stuck to me You're gonna die on your own, and its the ultimate justice. Lust is crying alone, but love is just this.... I wasn't your wife, I was your mistress, I was never in your life enough to live this, So now if I excercise suicide, will we be together? Or will our lives divide, and I chase you alone forever? and I shiver a cold fright, Wishing I could turn back time People outside enjoying freedom, In here I lack mine (my fav in this piece) See, for what I did Ill be stuck in this prison for years And my only way of saying sorry, Is by releasing more tears word up, not bad for being rusty, lmlo....you obviously know what you're doing, so keep up for sure, hit me up if you wanna collab, or something
__________________
this world is a drug, and everyone's selfish FLY FREE |
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12-29-05, 08:37 PM
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#3
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~Real Rookie Of The Year~
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IP:
This was a pretty good piece you had nice wordplay and vocab nice OM this is my first one read in a while and it was not disappointing good job rtf link in sig
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12-30-05, 04:09 AM
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#4
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New to RV
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IP:
yea i agree this was a very nice peice keep up the good work man
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